Psychology

So okay, I just finished up my psychology homework for the week and I have kind of always had the thought, that transwoman may tend to want to be females more if they didn't have a father around. Of course, the strongest argument is that we are born this way, but sometimes the psychological side just makes so much damn sense! 

Anyways, I'm doing this test and up comes the 5 psychosexual stages of Freud. And it goes to say that in the phallic stage children are supposed to repress their feelings for the opposite-sex parent, and start identifying more with the same-sex parent. So for example, boys would take on the mannerisms of the father and want to grow up to be like him. It mentions girls see the the father as the target of affection and the mother as a rival. Kinda gross, but whatever. Anyways, it goes on to say that children without same-sex parents don't have that identification, so boy's typically become "mama's boys" and girls tend to date older men. That's not really what I'm aiming for.

What I'm trying to get at is, is it more likely that a boy who grows up without a father is more likely to identify with the mother and want to dress up in dresses and put on makeup and more likely to be homosexual or transgender? Who knows, but it'd be an interesting thing to study. 

I didn't know it at the time, but now I can say I was supposed to be born a woman. I can recall back to the age of 4. I was alone in the bathroom. I grabbed a ton of toilet paper and stuff into under my shirt and in the back of my pants to give me that sort of female figure. Children can be so sophisticated by the age of 4. I believe that's really when the acknowledgement of "Am I a girl or boy?" appears. Quite honestly, ages 1-3 who cares? Age 1, the baby has no control over anything they do anyways. Age 2, the parent is still doing 95% of the work for them, and age three is sort of the start. 

Now I grew up with family. My aunt used to babysit and there'd always be kids around. I was normal. I never really acted like a girl, but neither as a boy either. Just a child having fun playing tag or making up new games. That's all it was back in those days. Ugh, I'm getting off subject. 

So anyways, I would really like to see a thorough study done on transgenders who grew up without the same-sex parent. It wouldn't conclude anything, but might suggest some things. Who knows. That's all for now folks :)

P.S. I am really liking Tumblr now so I think I will be using it as my primary blog since I can write short blurbs here and there. Wheras here, I feel I need to write about something important ya know? I will be using Tumblr to talk about things I feel worth talking about as well as using Twitter. For this blog, I will pretty much just be using it to update where I'm at in transitioning and talk about my therapy. My Tumblr is ConvertedGirl.Tumblr.Com and my Twitter handle is of course, @ConvertedGirl. Those are not links, so don't try clicking sorry! Thanks!!!

Therapy 8 and Other Goings-On

So, HUGE apology for not using this blog that much lately. School has consumed a lot of my time and other times I just don't have much to talk about. Hopefully though, those of you who do read my blog are following me on twitter so you can get up-to-date a little. Umm, so let's start off with therapy I suppose. 

I did have therapy last Wednesday, the 6th, after not having been for 2 months because of her pregnancy. I kinda felt ripped off a little bit because the person before me ran late with her so we didn't start til about 10 after, and we even ended early. So I only got like 40 minutes instead of 50-60. And a lot of what we talked about was stuff we've already talked about. Which I guess is understandable since we haven't seen each other since September. I dunno, I felt a little ripped off. But nothing I can do about it now. Only thing I regret was not having talked to her again about my letter of recommendation for hormones. I have been trying to get my mom to schedule me for a blood test, she thinks it's just so I can see if I'm healthy. Not true. Well kinda is. Anyways, I am going to be pushing for that more so I can take it to another doctor and talk about hormones. Luckily, there's a medical center not 5 minutes from me that does such a thing :) I did dress up for therapy again, this time more than usual. Or at least I felt that way. But yeah, that's kinda about it :/

If I haven't mentioned it before, I have come out to 2 other family members, my aunt and cousin. Her side of the family is supportive of LGBT and that's nice to have and I knew that beforehand they were open to that side. But anyways, last Friday I got together with my aunt and she helped teach me how to flat iron my hair. She did a really great job and I have pics to share. I'm practicing to do it myself now, it's not going so hot lol. But yeah, next she says she wants to help me wax my eyebrows, and hopefully I can talk her into giving my hair some color to cover up my grey hairs. I might try and talk with her next week since my classes are nearing an end and I won't have nearly as much homework after this week. And if I do, I'll be sure to post pics and write about it :)

So let's see what else is going on. I started back on the treadmill last week after completing the 30-Day Squat challenge in October. That was so tough, but I have noticed an improvement in my butt lol. School is getting stressful, but hitting the end so it won't be so tough. Hmm, I really don't know what else I wanted to talk about. So I'm just gonna throw a couple last item things in here before I get to the pics. 

• I just created a Tumblr site after seeing a friends and it looked much more visually appealing than this blog, so in time I may switch to that as my primary blog. 
• Of course, I'm on Twitter as @ConvertedGirl, feel free to follow me :)
• I have an amazon wishlist now, I'm not begging you to buy me anything, but you'd make a Tgirl very happy and I'd be sure to post pics of course :)http://www.amazon.com/registry/wishlist/1ID72NS691C48/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_ws_p.dHsb0JC96RQ
• You can friend me on Facebook, I'm Rachel Posey on there. Look for the pic with the dolphin :) Just don't leave a bunch of lewd comments or messages. Just trying to be friends, not 'friendly'. 

I think that about wraps it up! So I'll leave you here with a couple pics of my new do. Enjoy! Peace and thanks for reading! :)

Happy National Coming Out Day!

Hey everybody! I haven't written anything in a while. Honestly, I've had stuff to say, but been so frickin' busy with school I have no time to blog! Luckily, things are starting to slow down a little, so I can tell you all a little about what's been going on. Also have some new pics I'll share!

So I found out today through Twitter that today is National Coming Out Day. I took this as an opportunity to post on Facebook that I am bisexual, but more importantly I am transgender. Now, I didn't tell everybody, actually maybe only told 10 people on FB about this. A couple of which already knew. But some of my family live up in Michigan so I won't really have the opportunity to tell them in person. So if they see it on FB then they'll know :) There's also a few friends I told too who I don't really talk to as much, but I know that they'd be fun to hang out with and could also teach me a few things. But anyways, this brings me to my next point.

3 weeks ago I decided to tell my cousin. This is the brother of the cousin I have already told. We were going to go to dinner and watch the Bears-Steelers game. Unfortunately he was in Bloomington that weekend and didn't make it home in time for the game. I was a little upset, but knew I'd have other opportunities. So the very next week we met up at Bdubs for the Lions-Bears game (Oh my!). We talked for a bit just in general, and then came a moment of silence and we just sat and watched the game. So I just came right out with it and told him that I'm transgender. He's luckily got some friends that are transgender and was totally fine with it. Honestly, I felt awkward telling him, because even though it was a helpful thing for me to do, there's not really much he can do to help me ya know? But anyways, a couple days later I met with my aunt for a haircut. I had trouble telling her last time so I told my female cousin that she could tell her. Well, I wasn't sure if she had or not until I got there. I sit in the chair to get my haircut, and she comes down and says "She told me about what you're doing" and such. Huge relief! She was incredibly supportive and had plenty of questions which I both love and hate answering. But anyways, it's nice knowing I have a quarter of my family on my side. And I have another person who can not only show me some things about makeup, but she can also style my hair. And I'll definitely be getting my hair styled next time! I only got it trimmed this last time. But yeah, it feels great having people know and be on my side. 

So now let's talk briefly about what I've been up to. Mostly school, but now I'm pretty organized. I started doing To-do lists and that's been helping me along. I've given 2 speeches in my speech class, got a B- on the first, B on the 2nd. So hopefully that'll give me some confidence to pass this damned class lol. Really I've been focused on school, but there are some really great tv shows that have started up this fall that are a nice break from reality. I'll list my faves;

Agents of SHIELD

Sleepy Hollow

The Goldbergs

The Micheal J. Fox Show

The Crazy Ones

And then there's the returning shows like, South Park, Parks and Rec, The League, Always Sunny, American Horror Story (Awesome btw!), and Walking Dead starts Sunday!!!

It's always nice to have a break from reality, and you should always take that time to escape reality, but don't do it for too long because then you get bored with real life and do something you may regret. Anyways, Life Lesson #1 huh? lol

So lastly here, I had the house to myself last weekend and totally took advantage! I threw on makeup and even tried eyeshadow for the first time. Was a total disaster! But I'm a newbie and I'll get better with time and practice. But thankfully it's not noticeable in my pics. I'm just gonna go with the two I really liked. 

Anyways, that's about all I have to say for today. My next therapy appt is Nov. 4th so look for a post about that shortly after. But hopefully something else will come up that I can write about. I'd love to be able to write about Halloween, but unfortunately I will have class that night and don't know exactly what I'll be able to do, but I'd love to have my cousin help me make me up and maybe go to a bar for a party or something. But that's just a wish right now. A girls gotta have dreams and wishes :) Love you all an thanks for reading!

Therapy 7 and School

Hii Everybody! First off, my apologies for not updating in a while. Not really much to share over here. But, Wednesday I did have therapy. Will share a pic of how I dressed for it :) Last time though I started off with therapy and then had to do it in another post so let's start off with it today and see if I can get in some other things!

Okay, well first of all, yes I did go dressed up again to therapy even though my family was home this time. Bit of a risk since I had makeup on, but went about it just fine. I did purchase my first bottle of foundation then night before among other things :) So I don't have to use my mom's anymore. Anyway, the basic discussion we had that night was really about me needing to be more open and honest with others. Needing to express myself and vocalize my feelings. That's tough for me, because I've never really done that before. So I'm still kinda working on that. But that was a big part of our discussion that night. We also talked about ways for me to open up and tell my aunt and cousin that I'm transitioning. I haven't met with my other cousin since the night we went bar-hopping, but have chatted with her here and there on Facebook. Anyways, that was actually a large part of the discussion. The last part we talked about was my letter of recommendation for hormones. She has never written one before so she wants to do some research and know kind of what to really put in it so that I can begin HRT and really take a HUGE step forward into transitioning! She is pregnant however, and is due at the end of the month. Congratulations! (In case she stumbles upon this someday lol) She's taking the month of October off, so I won't see her again until early November. Kind of disappointing cause I have to wait an extra month to get my letter, but at the same time, it allows me to save some money. So far I've pretty much been paying for therapy by mowing our lawn. Well, can only mow the lawn for so long. Eventually I'll need new ways of earning some cash to pay for hormones and therapy. Hopefully, hormones don't cost too much, but if they do (And I will ask beforehand) I will put it off until I have a job or after college. But yay! Finally going to get my letter and that, to me, is validation that I am ready :)

One thing I didn't mention in therapy, probably should have just because it was interesting, was that about last week I had two very specific dreams about being caught. One by my mom, the other by this girl who I sort of grew attached to in high school. She was a year older than I. But in my dream with my mom, I was in her stuff and found a nightgown and a robe, so I put them on and she saw me standing there in them. I told her everything and she was very supportive. It made me feel like maybe everything won't be so bad when I do come out to her. And in my other dream, I was talking with a friend in the garage and she was with us but wanted to use the bathroom. I had noticed she was gone for a while, so I went in to check on her. Nervous that she was going in my room. I had found her in my room and just about everything was out in the open. She saw all my clothes, and sort of dragged it out of me. I told her, and she was happy and wanted to help me. So she actually helped me get made up and dressed and we went out to a bar together. Woke up after that unfortunately, but was a very fun dream :)

Lastly here, I am back in school :( 6 classes this semester which is a LOT. But managing so far. Psychology seems to be my most fun class. Pretty much just watch videos and answer questions. 5 of my classes are online so that makes things a lot easier on me. And I can still dress up and be myself at home. My speech class is the one class I have to attend regularly, and so far it isn't bad. The teacher's an old pervert who picks mainly on the women. Glad I don't look like one enough yet lol. 3 of my other classes are fairly simple and straightforward, but my International Finance class is looking impossible. The teacher is terrible and doesn't explain things at all. But yet, we are supposed to do a simulation type game and keep our company afloat. Fuck that! Wish I could drop, but it's required for my degree. Isn't that stupid? I have no interest in international business, yet I have to take this class to graduate!

Let me tell you all something right now, for my somewhat younger readers, college is a waste! If you have a scholarship or a field that actually requires a degree, then it's worthwhile. But people, a business degree is meaningless. It does absolutely nothing except get your foot in the door! It guarantees you nothing! If I was a freshmen or maybe sophomore, I'd drop Business and would have taken Psychology. That's a field I have grown more and more interested in. But you absolutely do NOT need a business degree for anything! People can manage and run and create their own businesses without a degree. Ugh, absolutely worthless. Wait I'm sorry, it's not worthless, it's worse than worthless because it drowns you in debt and then you're pretty much stuck working a job you could've gotten without a degree to pay it back. So, for my younger readers, AVOID BUSINESS DEGREES! Sure, take a few classes as electives, but not as a major!

That's my little rant for this post lol. I'm all done for today. Today is the 35th annual Popcorn Fest here in Valparaiso, so I am looking forward to that! I may write another post this week as there is someone I would like to talk about that my therapist connected me with. Also my birthday is the 14th, so may throw in something about that too! Or maybe I'll write after and share what I did :) Until next time! Enjoy and have fun! Love to all!

PS. Almost forgot my pic! Here it is!
PPS.This was my 4th pic with the flash on, so I was a bit blind lol That's why I'm making that face.

My Story

So I realize I haven't been around here too much as of late. Just really haven't had much to blog about. Only thing I can really talk about is the fact that my cousin is still brushing off my chances to meet with her. I really want her help to teach me how to use certain makeup or go shopping, or hell just to hang out and talk. Millions of thoughts run through my head every time I think of what I'd say to her or what she might say to me and what my responses would be. It just really agitates me that someone would say to me "Well I'm glad you felt comfortable to come out to me and I'd love to help you." But then they never do. She didn't say that, just a thought. But she did say she was supportive and I know she even offered to go shopping with me if I wanted. Guess us going bar-hopping together she learned what a bore I am in social situations. I'm always the third-wheel. The party-pooper. The drag. The person no one really wants to be stuck with. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to be around me anymore. I just wish she'd say something. Instead I've asked her time and time again "Hey can we get together or something?" and I'd get the response "Sure we could do it this time..." but then when that times comes, nothing. No messages, no texts, no calls, nothing. Who does that? I mean really? Whatever happened to a courtesy call? I mean, I don't care if you make up an excuse, but at least tell me you don't want to meet so I don't get my hopes up all day only to be crushed by the end of the day. But whatever. Guess I had more to say than I thought when I started this post. Anyways, I wanted to create this post to tell my story. A lovely person on a social help site posted a topic about Coming to Terms with who we are and how we came to those terms. I shared my story. I didn't want to be too specific, but it ended up being fairly long anyways. So I thought I'd just share it with my readers. Please comment people.

Warning: This next piece of literature can be a bit depressing. Please read at your own discretion. 

Back when I was just a year old my parents divorced. Recently I learned why they divorced from my cousin, but I won't go into that. Up until I was 5 it was just me and my mom really. And I was a normal kid. But when I was 6, my mom and I moved in with her boyfriend and one of his daughters in a new house. I was always more attracted to my slightly older sister's clothes and always wanted to be around with her and her friends. They often times spent time making bracelets and jewelry and the like and I loved that, but since I was a 'boy' I was always kicked out. But when she was with her mom, I would slip into her room and make my own jewelry. And occasionally check out her clothes. But nothing more. And really that's all I would do for the most part. Just look through their clothes, even my moms. Eventually through the years I started gaining weight and felt very self-conscious about myself. But as just a little kid, no one really helped me to try and get in shape. Anyways, when I was 13 we moved into our 4th home. My hormones really started kicking up then. And I found a new interest in my moms clothes. We weren't living with my mom's boyfriends daughters anymore since my mom and them didn't get along. By the way, my stepdad was a huge alcoholic back then and made life a living hell. Still does, but not as often. Back to the story. I had begun trying on my moms clothes and loved the way I looked in them. Back then she had all kinds of clothes and makeup and I would get completely dressed up from head to toe. Nowadays she doesn't keep much of either around so I have to make do. I would dress up in her things for a few years and stole a bunch of stuff from her and kept it in my closet. I don't remember when it was, but often times I would dress up at night since I didn't have to worry about being caught. But one particular night I was dressed in her stuff and laid in bed. I must've been tired because I fell asleep in her stuff. This was a Friday night. So on Saturday when she came in my room to get clothes, she saw me lying there in her things. She said something and I went back to sleep since I was tired. I woke up an hour later and took everything off. We never spoke about it again. But I knew she was concerned about it because she wrote about it in her diary. Anyways, at a certain point when I was away, she found my dufflebag filled with her stuff and took it back. Again, never said a thing. Then on Cinco de Mayo 2005, I broke my leg, and that pretty much ended everything for me. That fall I started high school, and pretty much lost all of my friends. Really no one wanted anything to do with me. I didn't realize this until senior year when I would sit in the hall before school started and just sit there. No one would say anything to me. No one cared I was around. It was just a terrible environment for me to be around. That feeling that you could die and nobody would bat an eyelash. And this happened to me one day. I was walking down the hall behind two girls. One of them was talking about me. The other girl she was talking to literally said "who's he?" She was in my grade, and I sat right behind her in some classes before. Arrow through the heart really. But I graduated hating or not caring for about 99% of the people in my class. Now that number is 100%. I didn't realize fully that I wanted to be a female until January of this year. It just hit me really. My life has been complete garbage up until then and no matter how hard I tried to fit in with everyone, it wasn't going to work because I was trying to be someone I clearly was not cut out to be. I know now who I am meant to be and started attending therapy in March of this year to become that person. And ever since, I can honestly say I have been 1000x happier and more comfortable with myself. But that was only the beginning. Much more lies ahead of me and there will be plenty of challenges along the way. 

Yeah, there's really more to the story. I mean not much more. But there is some things left out. That was just to keep the story short. Anyways, thanks everybody who took the time to read or even skim or open this blog post. Take care everyone!

PS: If you couldn't tell I'm in a bit of a shitty mood today. My cousin said we could meet today, but haven't heard a word from her. I wanted to be prepared so I spent pretty much all day getting ready just in case. By this I mean I shaved. And I shaved everywhere. Waste of my time. By the way, Veet hair removal cream really works, highly suggest it :p

Real Therapy 6

Ooooookay! So now here's my therapy post :D So as I mentioned in the last post, I went dressed up. Just I was wearing my normal shorts and shoes. Which made me feel odd lol. Like the top of me was woman, the bottom half was guy. Just with completely shaved legs lol. Anyways, she said I was looking really good and was glowing :) We talked about what had been going on, and mostly I just talked about how I felt my cousin is kind of abandoning me and doesn't really want to help me. She hardly answers any of my messages, and we haven't gotten together since July 3rd. One thing my therapist mentioned was that I need to tell my cousin how important this is to me. She also said I shouldn't rely too heavily on my cousin for support. But I need somebody to help me here. Like she asked me if I would still go to Drag Night even if my cousin couldn't go. I said no because I'd be feeling to awkward and left out. Like I'd have no one to talk to or save me lol. But she's right, I shouldn't rely heavily on my cousin, but at the same time, I need to let her know that this is very important to me. We'll see how all that plays out. 

One thing that got me very excited is, she told me how another transgender person had contacted her. She missed the first email, and sent out another. She's hoping know to get a return from them. I just don't know whether this person is female-to-male or male-to-female. My therapist kept using 'she' which really for transgender people could mean anything. She could be referring to her as 'she' because that's how male-to-female transpeople feel we are and like to be referred as. Or, she could be female-to-male and was just being referred to as a she because that's what she is, not what she wants to be. When I meet a transgender person like myself I refer to them as the person they want to be. I'm a male still, but I'd like to be referred to as 'her' or 'she'. And for other m2f's I talk to them as women. I haven't met a f2m yet, but I would talk to them as if they were men. But anyways, if my therapist and her do start having sessions, it might wind up to us meeting and possibly even my therapist starting a group session with other LGBT people :) I hope that works out :)

Hmm, you know what, I think that's about it. I really didn't have much to talk about except my family and how I felt free this last week. We even ended about 10 minutes early. So I guess that's about it really lol. 

Also I realized that in my last post I said I was going to show 2 of the pics I liked, but completely forgot, so I'm gonna post them here :) 

So here I am :) Only thing I hate about these pics is that my arms aren't tanned all the way lol. The skirt I'm wearing is the one I was referring too in my last post :) The top I am wearing in the 1st pic is the one I wore to therapy, and the top in the 2nd pic is my moms lol. Let me know what you all think! :) Until next time, love you all and thanks for reading! :)

Therapy 6?? And Week of Freedom!

Hii Everybody! :) This week was a fantastic week! My family went on vacation and I stayed home alone. Oh my goodness! I had so much fun being alone! As soon as they hit they road at 4am, I was going through my moms closet and picking out stuff I thought might fit me. And I just had a ton of fun :) My therapist texted me Sunday night saying she had to cancel Monday, but that we could meet on Wednesday. That's why I really didn't have this post ready that day. I'll get to therapy in a minute. Let's talk about my week :)

So on Monday, I got totally made up! Threw on makeup, some blush (But I wasn't great with it lol) and then threw on a bunch of different outfits. I found 2 skirts in the basement that belonged to my mom. I couldn't zip either of them up, but they stayed up lol. One of them had a slit on the legs, I didn't keep that one, but the other had the zipper in the back. I could cover it with my shirts, so I wore, and kept, that skirt :) I took some pics and post the 2 I liked the most :) I also went to my aunts with the intention of coming out to her and getting my hair cleaned up. She did cut my hair slightly in the back and sides, but I wasn't able to come out to her. So When I got home, I messaged my cousin saying she could tell her. She hasn't yet though. 

On Tuesday, not much happened. I started watching Game of Thrones. Got through the 1st season that day, and also went out to see The Wolverine. That was a good movie :) That's really about it for Tuesday lol.

On Wednesday, boy what a day that was! I started watching season 2 of Game of Thrones that morning. Went out for a bike ride. Then came home and got ready for therapy at 3:30. I went dressed up! I had makeup on from my head to my chest, tried some pink blush under my eyes, but that got messy lol. I wore my fave women's shirt, a tank top from my mom, and one of her bras. Felt totally liberated going out like that. I'll get to therapy again in a moment. But she challenged me to go to Kohls and grab some men's and women's clothes and try them on. After therapy I went to Target and got some things, including hair removal cream and nail polish remover! After that I went to Barnes and Noble. Didn't get anything. By this time it was pouring down rain, so I decided to go home. When I came home there was a guy filming something. I don't know what, but eventually him and a reporter came to my door and asked me some questions about these water bottle bombs that had been around my neighborhood. And I totally got on the news! That was so funny lol. Here's the link to my story :) http://www.myfoxchicago.com/story/23078181/valparaiso-police-warn-of-bottle-bombs-found-in-mailboxes

Okay, so on Thursday, finished watching season 2 of Game of Thrones. Had a cavity filled, which gave me a huge friggin cancor sore on my right side of my mouth, hurts like hell! Then I went out to dinner with my grandma, aunt, uncle, other aunt, and 2 cousins lol. That was a bit of fun. I learned I used to keep a knife under my bed when I was 2 lol, Had no idea I did that. 

And on Friday, I had a busy day. Woke up and went bike riding. Got home with that Showered and then went out to the movies to see Elysium. Not that a great a movie. Felt rushed, action scenes you could hardly tell what was going on, and it drove me nuts how they got Matt Damon's shirt back on after screwing the machine into his back! But then after that, I had to drive all over town to get home because a stupid train had stalled on the tracks. Got home, made a quick grocery list, and picked up some food to make mac & cheese, and cheesecake for this family get-together we had yesterday. Then my family got home, and it's been blah ever since lol. So yeah that was my week of freedom :) 

Now onto Therapy, you know what? I've already made this too long. I'll make that into a new post lol :)

It's Been Awhile

Hey everyone! No I haven't forgotten about you. Just, I've literally had nothing new to share here. I've been trying to do some new things, but things haven't panned out. For the last 2 weeks I've been trying to get together with my cousin to learn about makeup and do the dress rehearsal my therapist suggested, but everytime I ask her, she ignores the question. Like it's okay if you can't do something, but tell me you can't do it. Don't ignore the question! So anyways, that's been a little frustrating. On Wednesday the 24th, I went over to my cousin's (My other cousin's brother) and tried to tell him and their mom. But when I got there, my female cousins daughter was there with my aunt, so that threw me off guard and I couldn't say anything. Then when my cousin got there, we went out to the pool to just talk pretty much, and the topic never really came up. But then again, that's an odd subject to come up in the first place lol. But when we ran out of things to say and I felt more confident to say it, his girlfriend and her friend show up and I was just totally screwed at that point. Even though his girlfriend has a female-to-male transgender friend. Heck, maybe I'd even feel better telling his girlfriend first. But anyways, I am going to try and meet up with him again sometime and hopefully tell him then. 

So let's see. What else can I talk about here? For the most part, since my last post I've just been trying to keep busy. I'm not interested in tv anymore. More so into music. Been keeping up with school, however this next week is the final week. Actually could finish that up today if I really wanted to. And I've pretty much just been talking with friends and whatnot.

So let's see. Last time I talked about the issue I was having with my friend. Well she's transgender too male-to-female. I don't want to get too much into it. But basically, I told her I loved her, and did not get the same feeling back. She is the kind of person I could spend the rest of my life with, but to her, I'm more of just a good friend. Which is good because we are still friends and we still talk to each other just about everyday (As long as she doesn't lose her Ipod lol). So yeah that's pretty much been that. Reason I didn't blog about it is because I didn't want to bring any negative attention to her. And now, it's been awhile so I can't even recall many of the details. I just know I cried that night and I felt so heartbroken. But things are better now. 

Lastly here, I got bored one day and created an amazon wishlist. However, since I don't get hardly anyone on here to comment on my posts, I'm not going to share the list on here until I get someone to comment lol. But there is a lot of cute things there, and I have tried to keep everything fairly affordable. Then again, I'm not here to beg people to buy me things. Personally, I feel terrible when people buy me things. I know they are just doing it out of the goodness of their heart, but it makes me feel worthless. So if I do end up sharing the list, it is primarily only to view.

So I guess that's it for today folks lol. Some things might happen this upcoming week, or they might not. I haven't a clue. But my next therapy is Monday the 5th, so look for a therapy blog to be up sometime around then :) And now, I leave you all with this! Love you all!

Therapy 5

So I had my last therapy appointment on Monday. It went well, but left me a bit worried by the end. So, to start, I told her that because of what we discussed last session, I felt like there was a big weight on my shoulders from keeping this secret and that I did come out to my eldest cousin. She was happy that I finally came out to somebody and that there is now somebody I can turn to when I need help. There is a bar I visited on July 3rd  (by the way I went bar hopping with my cousin for the 1st that day had a lot of fun!) called Martini's that will usually host a Drag Show. Well we missed the last one, but the next one is August 31st so might go to that. This gave her the idea to have me sort of do a dress rehearsal type thing. You know, put on make-up get dressed up and possibly go out to dinner or something just to try and get a feel for things. Well I'm not sure about going out, or even dressing since I don't have much of an option in the clothes department. But I have talked to my cousin about teaching me how to apply different sets of make-up and she agreed, but we haven't worked on it yet. She's also going to help me come out to her mom and her brother, who I believe is the next step for me to come out to before my mom. 

So let's see, can't recall too much else actually. But the last thing we did was she had me sort of visualize what it is about me that makes me a male, and then she had me clothes my eyes and envision what I'd look like as a female. Now the male part, that was more well the facial hair I hate, the body hair I hate, I didn't say it only because I was slightly embarrassed too, but my genitals I hate. Seriously, a penis gets in the way of everything! But there was also my adam's apple and voice that make me too much of a male. But facial and body hair was the biggie for me. I seriously hate having all this hair and having to shave over and over again! Such a drag!

Anyways, once that was over, she had me close my eyes, take some deep breaths, and see what I might look like as a female. Now thinking back on it, I wondered why some of these things popped up, but we'll get to that in a second. Anyway, I envisioned myself with long reddish-brown hair. Make-up, shoulders slimmed, waist slimmed, wider hips, smoother body, slimmer and smoother legs. Bit of a butt lol. (Didn't really want to, but she brought up the vagina lol), I didn't bring up nails, but my nails done. Slightly larger bust, but nothing huge. Just whatever happens from hormones :) Wearing a red dress that clings to my body. Nothing low cut, down to the knees, sort of just like a casual dress. (I'll look around and see if I can find something :) ) Wearing black heels, probably 3in since I'm already fairly tall. And a purse. So that's really what I saw. Now here's where I questioned my thoughts. First the hair. While I do love the idea, reddish-brown? Where did that come from?! Maybe not too red, but like a mahogany color could be nice. Also the dress. Blue is my favorite color and I wear it all the time! So where did red come from? Who knows, I'm not one to question to deeply my imagination. Lol. But, she brought up maybe I could try and do something and maybe photoshop a pic of how I'd look. Now, I can't photoshop, but if someone out there would be kind enough to maybe try and photoshop something for me, that'd be simply fantastic and I'd be willing to cooperate! :) 

Now last thing here, she kinda asked like what I could do more. And it was ringing in me like "Well I can't do much more because I'm not on hormones yet" and so I just kind of told her like "well, I kinda just would like to start hormones and then finish school" But it seriously came off to me like she doesn't know I need a letter of recommendation from her to actually start hormones. But I know she knows I need one, because she brought it up the very first time we met. So I just gotta keep reminding her, and hopefully I'll get it within the next 2 months. Now she's either 7 or 8 months pregnant I believe, so I really hope to get the letter before she goes off on leave. But at least when she does go on leave (If she does) I'll get to save up some money. 

So really that's about it. What happened this past week to me, I debated whether or not I'd blog about it. I don't want to put any negative focus on the person of which this ordeal happened with. But we pretty much resolved everything and we are still very good friends. So I'll still debate it, but I might right a short little spiel about it next time. Thanks everybody! Love ya'll! Til next time! :) 

In the Dark

Hey everyone. So yes I did have therapy yesterday, but something even bigger happened last week and truth be told I just don't feel like writing right now. I may or may not talk about that, but at some point I will talk about therapy. Thanks for understanding everyone. Talk with you all later :)

Rachel Alexandria

Hii everybody! So I think I have finally settled on a name. My wonderful friend Claire mentioned to me once how she thought I looked like a Rachel. Well, the name stuck and I love it! I still love Kirstin though, and if I could, I'd probably change my name to Rachel Kirstin-Alexandria. But I'm sticking with Rachel Alexandria for the moment. Who knows, I don't plan on having the surgery for a couple years and by that time I may have a completely different name in mind. That's the perks of being transgender :) 

Anyways! I have begun to embrace the name Rachel Alexandria, and in doing so, you can now find me on twitter @ConvertedGirl and on Facebook as Rachel Alexandria Posey. (Posey was just something I threw in to keep people I knew out from knowing about me. I don't plan on changing my last name, but I do like the name Posey :) ) 

So I'm just giving all my lovely readers a chance to follow me more closely and get to know me :) On my Facebook page I'll be dealing more with things in general, probably post pics when I start hormones and all that. I don't use twitter as often, so probably won't be posting too much there.

Also, unrelated to the above, yesterday was my sister's birthday and we went out to the mall and a couple places. I really just started to get this feeling of complete ugliness. Like maybe I just wasn't meant to be a boy or a girl. I keep looking at my body like "You're never going to pull off being a woman." So I'm really hoping that hormones completely alter my body. I have therapy on July 8th, and I'm gonna try and bring up my letter of recommendation so I can get started on hormones. I've been going for 4 months now, and typically you get your letter in 3-6. So if I were to ask now, I'd probably be able to get it in August. I think many therapists who see transgender people often believe that when they get their letter, they'll stop going. My friend Claire has kinda specified to me that when she gets hers on Wednesday, she's done seeing her therapist. But from what she's told me, he wasn't that great to begin with. But it won't be the case for me. I love my therapist and she is truly one of the best! I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for her. She's very kind  and compassionate and understanding. So even though I'd have to spend money on hormones, I'd definitely still be going to see her, probably just not as much. Maybe like once every 2 months or something. Generally, once a transgender does start hormones therapy visits go from like 1-2 a month to once every 6 months. So yeah, that's all for today! Next post might be on the 8th, we'll see. I'm trying to meet with my cousin again, and that could be before or after the 8th. So we'll see! Love ya'll! Take care :)

Family Matters

It's a rare condition, this day in age. To read any good news, on the newspaper page. But I'm here to tell you some good news! :) I meant to write this sooner, but my stupid internet providers screwed up our internet for a couple days. So here I am now writing this :)

Lately, I've really been feeling like I've been carrying a huge weight on my shoulders with having nobody around me know that I want to be a female. So I gathered up some courage and messaged my eldest cousin if she would be willing to meet with me. She's 28 and very nice :) So anyway, we met up at a bar last Tuesday, should mention she's a bit of a drunk too lol but that's what happens when you're a bartender. Back to the story. I'm not much of a drinker, so we walk in and I tell her I don't like beer, so she gets me a rum and coke (not bad by the way) and we sit outside at a picnic table, nobody else really around us. It started off exactly as I had thought. She asks "so what did you want to talk about?" My hands nervously shaking my drink, I just told her that I wanted to be a female. She was taken aback a bit, but in the end very supportive. She was happy that I was coming out and telling her, and basically we just talked about our family and what they're reactions would be. I thought maybe I wouldn't mind her mom knowing about me, because she's a hairstylist and it would allow me to get my hair done how I would like. But she told me a few secrets about something that happened with her, and in the end, I'm not so sure her mom would be too comfortable with knowing her only nephew wants to be a girl. However, she is a hairstylist and I'm sure she's worked with all kinds. And it's not like I'm really her kid. Only problem is, her mom is not too good at keeping secrets. She wouldn't tell my mom flat out, but I am almost positive she'd be working on somebodies hair, and for some reason transgender would come up, and she'd say like "Oh my nephew is transgender" and somehow and someway that would get back to my mom. That's not how I want her to find out. 

So anyway, we just kinda talked. She suggested a way for me to get my letter to my mom by giving it to her and then leaving for a couple days. She offered to let me stay with her if I wanted during that time. Also, she is in the process of moving and offered to put aside some make-up for me if I wanted. I didn't really say yes, but also didn't say no. She'll be moving out on the 28th of June, so we'll see :) She also offered to go shopping with me if I wanted, but since I don't have a job, I don't really have the money to go shopping for clothes. But someday I will take her up on that offer :)
Anyways, that's really about it. We sat at the bar for about an hour. Just talking about our family, past memories, and how I want to transition. She was incredibly supportive and I love her so much for wanting to help me! It's really great not carrying as much as a weight anymore and it's even better having someone close to me that I can rely on and seek advice and support from. My family is unbelievably amazing and supportive, but yet I am still worried about how most of the members in my family will take this news. Since I'm not really religious, I won't say I'll pray, but I will hope that everything works out for the best. And it's really cool that me and my cousin sort of have this shared secret within our family :) 

She also told me some grizzly things about my father that made me angry and upset. Apparently one time, when her and her brother were at my apartment when I was probably less than a year old, they were making a lot of noise and my mom told them to be quiet. They were still loud, and my dad comes out, yells at my mom and hit her. My mom went to my grandparents and asked what to do. They told her just to ignore it and not get divorced. My grandparents are a tad bit religious. Religion kinda fades with each generation in my family. But my cousin's dad, and my mom's brother apparently went to my grandparents and told them that if they didn't do something about my dad, they were going to "beat his ass". This pretty much just made me lose all respect I had for him. Not that there was much to begin with. 

Anyways, that's really about it. We sat at the bar for about an hour. Just talking about our family, past memories, and how I want to transition. She was incredibly supportive and I love her so much for wanting to help me! It's really great not carrying as much as a weight anymore and it's even better having someone close to me that I can rely on and seek advice and support from. My family is unbelievably amazing and supportive, but yet I am still worried about how most of the members in my family will take this news. Since I'm not really religious, I won't say I'll pray, but I will hope that everything works out for the best. And it's really cool that me and my cousin sort of have this shared secret within our family :) No, I'm not Steven Q. Urkel, but I did do that lol :)

Thanks for reading everybody! Love ya'll! Next post will probably be July 8th since that's my next therapy, but since that's a bit a ways off, I'm sure I'll be writing again before that :)

Therapy 4

So I had therapy on Monday, my apologies to everyone who thought yesterday's post my have been what that was about. Basically we started talking about what I had done since last time. Okay, but first before I begin, my therapist moved buildings a month or so ago, and that's no problem, but I guess now there's another therapist there too. I didn't get a call from her this time to remind me about therapy, so I was a little concerned. I walked in and sat down, and then a couple minutes later a woman comes in and sits down too. So I'm thinking, uh-oh, did she make a mistake in scheduling or something? But then another therapist comes out and greets the woman. So now I'm thinking, "Ooook where's my therapist? Does she still work here? Did something happen?" Remember my therapist is about 5 months pregnant now. But a couple minutes later she came and got me. So okay, back to the session. 

I told her, I had played around with makeup and was just talking with people. Throughout the session, basically it centered on telling my mom. I wrote my mom a letter to tell her, thinking she might want space when she finds out. But now I'm not so sure a letter is best. I think I just need to actually tell her. But I don't know how, and I don't know when. There are times my mind is swirling to just get it out. She what she says or thinks or does. All I know is, I need someone to support me with this. I'm not comfortable holding in this giant secret and not being able to be myself. My therapist told me to think of ways each day I could show my mom that I want to be female. I don't really know how to be any more female than what I've been doing. My mannerisms are mostly female, I get in more fem positions. So I don't really know what more to do. So it dawned on me, ya know what, just fucking do it. So I'm at a point now where my toes are painted, I'm wearing a woman's tee to bed, and I have one of my moms headbands that I use as a bracelet because it's just too cute and it encourages me to be more fem :) Now I'm going out and trying to be caught, but if I am, then so be it. Kinda like, if you are a bank robber and you rob a bank. You're not gonna go out and turn yourself in, but eventually you'll get caught and have to pay the price. So that's just how I'm going to go about it. If she catches me in all that, then I'm sure we'll have to talk about it. But once she knows, I know things will be better off. 

Gosh, really that's all I have to talk about. Like I said, most of the session centered on telling my mom. So I don't really know what other ways I can go about doing that. I'll think of something eventually I'm sure. But for now, I'm just gonna stick with being myself, and should it ever come up, well then so be it. Actually I had a chance yesterday to say something to her, here's the story. 

So I got bored on the treadmill and started biking. Last Friday while biking my bike broke and had to walk back about 2 miles to the house. Now on Monday, my friend that I bike with couldn't go, so we went on Tuesday. I used another bike and it worked fine, but the seat was terribly uncomfortable. My butt is still in pain from just sitting on that seat for so long. Never get a Schwinn bike, or if you do, buy a new seat. So we came back to my house and I grabbed my sister's bike. It's a light blue type color. Wheels were already pumped so I grabbed hers and we went back out. Now afterwards when I was home, I called my mom to tell her that the 1st bike I took had nothing wrong with it, except the seat. So I told her I took my sister's bike. She says "That's a girls bike" and I told her "Yeah, it's not really it's blue." Then it hit me last night I should've said "Yeah so, maybe I want to be a girl" or something like that. That definitely would've raised her eyebrows I'm sure. 

Okay, now that's all I have to say lol. Til next time! Love ya'll :)

For My Gamer Friends :)

So this blog post is going to be really off topic here, for any big gamer, you might know that this week is the big E3 convention where all the big name gaming companies showcase there new upcoming games and consoles and features. Now today Nintendo had a showcase showing some amazing new games, it's really the only thing I was looking forward to this year. 

The first game they showed was Pokemon X & Y. Now I grew up on Pokemon and I love this franchise very much and I'm glad I never grew out of it. Such a unique type of game that just keeps growing and just when you think "How could they possibly keep going with this?" They do. These versions are for the Nintendo 3DS. I totally advise getting one if you can afford one. The layout of the game is completely different from all the others. It's in 3D, you aren't playing with a tiny little avatar anymore, you get a full screen character! New pokemon, a new type called Fairy (could've been better lol), and a new world. Most of my readers are probably adults, so this is a game I highly advise for your kids :)

Next up was Super Mario 3D World. A title for the 3DS. Now, the last decent Mario game I enjoyed was Super Mario Sunshine. I've gotten a lot of other Mario games since the good ole Gamecube days, but never really liked them. I don't see me liking this game either. If you recall from some of the other Mario games, you could get a suit that turned you into a tanooki (Raccoon dog), well in this game you get a cat suit. That allows you to climb up walls and such. Like really? A catsuit? Ugh. I don't even think I'll be getting this game because of how cheesy it looked. However, it is multiplayer, and you get to play as Mario, Luigi, Toad, and Peach. So if you have a lot of friends that play, this could be a game worth buying. 

The next game I was interested in was Mario Kart 8. Love these games and they get better and better. This time though, you can hover and actually cruise along walls and even drive underneath the tracks! It looks really amazing and more likely this game should be called Mario Kart Infinity. There are no bounds in this game! I just hope they came up with some pretty good characters to add in this time :)

Next Donkey Kong Country Tropical Breeze. The only DK game I've liked was Donkey Kong 64 for the Nintendo 64, but this game I might consider. Using the 3D element it really allows you to look all over and experience the vast world of Donkey Kong. Very well put together, if I say so myself :)

The last game, omg huge one! Super Smash Bros 4 (Don't know if that's the actual title), but I love these games even more! Brawl was amazing in that there was a great storyline, and I look forward to that with this new one. Great thing about this, and with a few of the other games above, they are coming out for the Wii U and 3DS. So I'm highly looking forward to kicking butt on my 3DS lol. Smash Bros is known for bringing in all the popular Nintendo characters and putting them into one big fight. Last time in Brawl, they brought in Snake from the Metal gear franchise, as well as everyone's favorite hedgehog, Sonic :) I don't care for Snake, but I'd love to see Sonic make a return! They also showed Villager as a fighter from the Animal Crossing franchise, as well as, OMG WAIT FOR IT! MEGAMAN!! That's right MegaMan will be appearing in this game! Totally can't wait for this game to come out next year :)

There are a couple other games I am very highly looking forward to coming out this year. South Park and The Stick of Truth looks really good. Sort of a Skyrim meets South Park type of game lol. Should be a lot of fun! As well as Lego Marvel Superheroes! 

Okay, now for those of you thinking "What are you 10?" well let me tell you these Lego games are amazing! You have so much fun playing them, and the story and humor is fantastic! I played Lego DC Superheroes 2 a couple months ago and had a blast! Great thing is, you never die, you just get rebuilt right where you died lol. This is a great game for the family! And with the Marvel game, they've said more than 100 characters will be playable, but this includes costume changes for characters. Think they actually said there's 50 different characters and each one has a different costume. But this world has New York, Asgard, Xavier's Mansion, and a ton of excitement building around it. Totally can't wait for this to come out this fall! That's all I have to say here everybody, hope I did good in informing my gamer readers out there! :)

And No Religion Too

The immortal words of John Lennon. One of my favorite musicians :) What brings this up, and yes I'm hoping I receive backlash on this because at least then I'll be getting some sort of comments, is somebody posted last night on a forum if transgender people feel condemned by the Bible. Well, do I? No, the Bible is just a book of feel good lessons and morals. It could easily be replaced by Chicken Soup for the Soul. I've never read the Bible, but come on! There are some stories in there that are just too crazy. This is my blog, so I can say what I want, but I know this may anger some people. I'm going to respect people though and not use curses, just simple language.

God, if he does exist, I don't think he cares too much for us. Does he answer prayers? Does he work miracles? Who's to know. But to my extent, I think the Devil cares much more for us than God does. I'm not satanic, but think about it. The Devil wants us to be his play things, so he is constantly keeping a closer eye on us then God. God, should he exist, wants us to find our own way into Heaven. He isn't going to hold our hand and walk us through the gate. The Devil however, is always looming over us. Throwing greed and hunger and poverty in our faces. We become desperate and do things we would never think to do. The Devil wants us to join him and it is easy to do so, God wants us to make our own decisions. And lastly, people say God created us in his image. Well, what about the transgender people? Did God create boys who really should have been girls and vice versa and just go whoops? I don't think so. But I don't really believe in either of them, so for me this is rather moot. 

There are a few stories in the Bible that come to mind that I find are just completely ludicrous. First of all, the "virgin mary". That Jesus is the son of God. Well, I'm here to tell you I don't believe that's not true at all. Mary gave birth in Bethlehem. If I recall correct that's where she gave birth, but that's not where the child was conceived. But this was over 2000 years ago. Rape was not uncommon. And it was even more uncommon not to tell you were raped because of being ridiculed. So my firm belief is Mary was raped, and covered it up. Maybe Joseph actually was the father. Now there are images of Jesus, but has anyone ever seen God? Maybe Jesus is God. Going back to my last paragraph, this could be why Jesus won't ever be making a 2nd coming. He does not care for us because ultimately we have screwed ourselves as a planet. But the next story is of Adam and Eve. This cannot possibly be believed can it? Here's where I get lost. Adam and Eve are supposedly the 1st two people on the planet. That's why people will tell you sometimes that we are all related. They have 2 children, Cain and Abel. Cain kills Abel and is banished. That's a total of 3 people that should be on this planet. But somehow Cain finds a village of people who just came out of nowhere? Nuh-uh. Plus evolution has proven this is nothing but a story. 

Religion should be nothing to us. There was another story about a lesbian girl where a pastor and camp counselors put fear into her for being a lesbian and were forcing her to be straight. Ultimately, she says her life is worse now because of that. Religion wasn't meant to put fear into us. It was meant to give us a set of guidelines to follow so we can reach our own peace and be better off in life. Religion should not a governing factor in our lives, it should only be a way of setting our morals and values. Do not force your religion upon anyone. Do you know it states in the Constitution that religion shall not have any say in our laws? We are not a country built on religion, we are a country built on independence. So if you're against Gay marriage (I'm assuming most of my readers aren't) that's fine, but if you are against it because it goes against the Bible. Well guess what, the Bible has no jurisdiction in this country. 

So now here's what I believe. I say I'm agnostic, but really I just have my own personal religion. Atheism, by the way, means not believing in anything. It's really an ignorant 'religion'. So I believe in Destiny. We are all on a path to reach our end goal. What happens happens for a reason. Yes this includes tragedies and murders and all that. They happen for a reason. Don't question the reason, just know it has one. We cannot stray from our paths, because they are right there in front of us. The path is a straight line. Everything has already been pre-planned. There's no changing our fates. If I die tomorrow, I'll know it was because it was meant to be. Sure, sometimes I like to believe there is a God, but ultimately he never listens. And whatever happened to the ancient Greek Gods like Zeus? Let's go back to them! lol. That's what I believe. Religion is just something for people to grab onto. It should NOT define you! 

So lastly, I apologize if I offended anyone, but this is something I've wanted to get off my chest for a long time. I don't mean to step on anyone's beliefs, but that's really what religion does. It steps on you. Holds you down and puts fear into you. Remember all this, and do not judge others. I don't judge people who believe in the Christian faith, but I will fight you if you try and force it down my throat. Religion is a fine thing to value, but don't let it control you. I really don't want to rant anymore, so I'm done lol. Thanks everyone for reading this!

Things Just Get So Frustrating!

Hey everybody, seems like as the weeks pass, I have less and less to really say. My depression has pretty mush all but subsided, minus 1 extreme case (I'll get to that in a bit), but I've been very happy as of late thanks to two of the most wonderful people in the world! Should they ever happen to come across this, I just want to say, Kat and Claire, you two have made my life so much better and thank you so so much for being my friend and talking with me :) 

Now back to the frustrations lol. About a week ago, I started shopping (online of course) for new clothes. Since I've been losing weight, my clothes don't really fit as well anymore. And I can't really shop for pants or shorts or anything because I'm at an odd fit where either it'll be too small or too large. So I only went shopping for shirts. I had some really cute women's clothes and a couple plain tees over on Kohls. Unfortunately, because Kohls erases your order history if you close out, I was reduced to buying just plain mens tees since it eventually ended up on my moms account instead of mine. Then I had some cute tanks and a sports bra, along with a tee and a polo in mens at Penneys. But as I was almost about to hit the order button, my mom decided to have the clothes shipped to the store instead of our house to save $8. Now because I don't know how that works and my mom would have to be the one to pickup the order. I had to again erase most of my orders. The sports bra and tanks went, but I was able to keep in one women's plain t-shirt. I ended up talking with one of my friends that night, and she kinda encouraged me to go out and get a credit card. Yes, I'm 22 and don't have a credit card, so what lol. But I don't really know how to go about doing it, and it makes me kind of nervous to go out and get one. But having one would allow me to shop at like Wal-Mart online and buy some clothes relatively cheap. So I may do it, I may not. I don't know. I also don't want to be making a bunch of purchases without a job ya know? So that's that for the most part. 

Now I want to get on that one extreme case that had me really upset one night. My friend Jill, who has encouraged me and enlightened me to become what I truly feel, will no longer talk with me. See I questioned one day if she was who she says she is. It's really not hard for a guy to put up pictures of a girl and just play it out that way. In hindsight it was stupid of me to question after everything she has told me and advice she has given. But once I asked that, she was pissed. I tried telling her I was sorry time and time again, but never got any responses. Now we only talk through emails, so how was I supposed to know she was pissed? But anyway, one day I wrote on her profile page just asking why she was ignoring me and such. A few minutes later, she deleted the comment. I then sent her a private message kind of being a jerk in a way. Basically asking why she was toying with me. And that even through all that, whether her name was Jill, Jim, or whatever, I'd still like to be friends. Then a few minutes later, and for the first time ever, she emails me at like 9pm. She had never emailed me like anytime after 5pm. She tells me that I need to lay off and give her space. And that if I talk with her again, she'll pretty much never talk with me ever again. So that kind of put me in a screwed position. I emailed her back the next day saying sorry, and that I would never message her again and I told her thanks for finally telling me to give her space. Again, how was I supposed to know that? If somebody ignores you through email after you had just asked if they are who they say they are, what are you really going to assume there? Anyways, I told her goodbye, and it's been a little over two weeks now since that message. I miss her, but at the same time, she hates me. So better to just leave her alone and have hope that maybe someday she'll talk with me again, then to keep bugging her and know she'll never talk with me again. I cried that night and talked with my friend Kat about it. I went to sleep early, and just didn't want to think about it anymore. But somedays I just can't help it, and I miss talking with her. She was my first true friend, even if it was online. But now I have 2 new friends who have made my life gleam with happiness.

So lastly, I have therapy coming up June 10th, that will most likely be my next blog post. My friend Kat, has a friend Matt, who actually said he'd come here to pick me up just to go shopping with Kat just so she would stop asking his opinion on clothes lol. Kat told me he'd actually do it, but I don't really know him too well yet, and I don't want him to drive 6 hours to pick me up and drive back. But I keep thinking about it and how much fun it would actually be. I'm trying to see a doctor because my left ear is deaf, and while there I'm going to ask about an endocrinologist and possibly a dermatologist too. That way I can really get the ball rolling here. There's really not much more for me to report here. If anything comes up, I'll try and remember it for my next post. Love ya'll and have a wonderful day! :)

Makeup

Hey everyone! So I have a new picture up right under my About Me. I am wearing covergirl makeup blending cream and a little bit of Mary Kay lip balm. Surprisingly, my mom has no lipstick in the house! lol But with my phone I used this effect that kinda makes it look like I'm wearing pink lipstick. I had a lot of fun with it and can't believe how well that blending cream worked! Think I might have to pick up a bottle of my own! :) So here are the things I need to pick up when I'm going full on girl mode:

CoverGirl Blending Cream
Sally Hanson Nail Polish
Nail Polish Remover
Some type of lipstick lol

I'm so glad I'm finally getting into this way of life. Who knows, I may even wear makeup to my next therapy session! It'd be real nice to go out with this damn stubble just invisible. So I may do that if I can get away with it. 

Also, a friend of mine showed me this website called thedealrack.com Lots of really cheap clothes on there and some really beautiful stuff. Now usually I'll spend about $50-$75 on clothes. So I figure if I go there and get a couple just kinda t-shirts and some polo shirts, I can probably throw in some cute tops maybe even some jeans or yoga pants. There was this really cute pair of sweatpants I wanted! So I may do that sometime soon as well. Might make a wishlist and save it for the future, then when I'm ready and have my mom's credit card, I buy those things! :) Love ya'll and have a beautiful day!

Therapy 3

Ok so first off, sorry I haven't been posting in a while. Just really didn't have anything new to add. Might not for a while after this either. But I had my 3rd therapy session last night and there was a little bit of trouble beforehand, but that's been cleared up. 

She wasn't getting paid by my insurance, and we talked about that through emails the past week. We both made calls to my insurance, and she found out that my deductible was too high so they won't pay her. Even though when I called they said one of the claims was paid. Who knows, maybe eventually they pay her. But she felt it was unfair for me after what we've already gone through to have to start all over. I am very appreciative of that. So if she ever comes across this, Thank you so much! So yeah, I'm only paying $40 per session, but if there comes a time she may need a bit more from me, you bet I'm gonna help out! But okay back to the session.

We started talking about what had been going on since the last time. Thankfully we started off more about me being transgender than the depression. I guess that's because I told her that I had started identifying as a transgender rather than a male. So we talked a lot about that. Mostly about learning about make-up, getting new clothes that I would actually like, and a little bit about what else I could do. It was funny, at one point she said she wished I had an ally to take me shopping around and help me out. I'm sitting there like "why can't that be you?" lol So again, if she ever reads this, Will you be my ally? I really think it would be fantastic! But she's busy I understand that, someday I'll find that ally. 

And she also said that she wished that ally was my mom. That was a lot about what we talked about. Like how I would tell her, and that I don't want to just completely shock her. So I now really need to plan on what I'm going to say when that time comes and think about what her reactions may be. Me being the only son of both my mom and dad (they're divorced) it's hard to just come out and say your only son wants to be another daughter. Hell, I'll say this now since really this blog can be accessed by anyone all over the world. Mom, if you ever come across this, there's a lot we need to talk about. 

Anyway, she asked at one point if I had another name chosen and I told her Kirstin, even though I'm not 100% set on that yet, and there are still others. But it was nice being called Kirstin out in the open for the first time. And since no one commented on my last post, guess I still gotta do a lot of thinking about my name. Though I liked being called Kirstin, a lot of times, people don't even call me my own name. So it felt kind of awkward being called a name just in general. 

Anyway that was actually most of our discussion. We didn't talk a lot more about anything else, and that's because really things are going pretty well for me. I'm all done with school for the semester. Have summer class sometime in July, but for the next few months I'm free. Have a job interview on Monday at Target. I hope I get it because I need money, but I also hope it's not for a stocking job. I don't want to have to work at 4:30 in the morning again. So yeah, just thought I'd let all my readers know I'm doing well. Things are getting a little brighter in my side of the world. Love ya'll and thank you so much for reading :)

Naming Myself

Okay, so I'm beginning to get a little upset that nobody comments on my posts despite the number of profile views I have. Granted plenty of the views are from myself, not all of them are. So today, I am going to sort of throw anyone who reads this page into posting a comment. Today's blog is about what my name should be when I'm officially a female. Because Curtis just won't cut it. 

So I'm asking you all to throw out some suggestions for me. My top runner right now is Kirstin. It takes over nicely for Curtis, and I've had that name in my mind for quite a while. I used to think Courtney was a good name for me, but since then I haven't really liked the idea of Courtney. 

There are a couple names I'm also toying with. And they Katelyn, Bailey, and Evelyn. My guess is a lot of people who go through transition maybe just go with the female/male counterparts of their names. Which I plan on doing with my middle name. It's Alexander, so I'm going to change it to Alexandra or perhaps Alexandria. 

Now I want YOU to throw me some suggestions. So please please please please please please comment!!!

Last little bit of news, last Friday I was in a girly mood. I had jogged on the treadmill and just gotten out of the shower when I decided to try on a few clothes, and lastly painted my toes! Now I love painting my toes and can't wait to do it again! It makes me smile seeing them when I'm feeling down. And I get really disappointed when I have to cover them up :( Now mind you, they aren't the best, but I'm thrilled I did it! And this was just my first try and it's just one small step in the right direction!

Therapy 2

A tad late when I said I would have this in by, but I'm here now to tell you about my last therapy session. 

So to start things off, that day started with a little bit of a scare. My therapist called me early in the morning, I was in the bathroom, and left a message. In the message she told me that there was something up with my insurance and that there was a deductible because I'm still in school. So instead of having to pay $40, I would have had to pay $60 per session plus an extra $20 for the last session. I worried all day thinking this might be my last therapy session because I can't afford $60 sessions. I called her back and left a message, about an hour later we talked on the phone and told her I only had $60 on me, can't recall what she said, but she said "see you tonight" at the end. 

So yeah, worried all day until 5:30pm thinking this is the last session I'll have until I can get a job. Really thought it would be the end of the line for me. Also contacted the therapist in Indianapolis to see her rates and she charges $125 per session, and that I would have to be the one to seek reimbursement from my insurance. So I was thinking that I would be completely screwed, and really considered that it would be the end of the road for me. 

So I went to therapy at my scheduled time, and we started off talking basically about how I felt after last session and if anything had happened between the sessions. I told her I wasn't really feeling depressed anymore except for that meltdown I had over Spring break. But other than that I have been fairly happy. Then we started talking about me. What I like to do and how I like to bond with my mom. I told her, we like to watch the Cubbies together, and watch Walking Dead and Hell's Kitchen together. Also that we like to shop together. We also talked a little about how I would tell her about my bisexuality and gender change. Still have no idea how to approach that. 

Towards the end, we started talking more about the research I had come across. She seems fairly new to this as well, and you know I told her a few things I had discovered, which I'm pretty sure I've already covered in this blog. It's weird, I really wish I could've gone in there and talked more femininely and openly, but I guess I"m still reserved. I hate my voice. It's too deep. 

Anyway, one of the more interesting things she mentioned to me is that people tend to gain weight because they want be closed off sort of. Like, when you gain weight you've got more kept to yourself. And I told her since I've been losing weight I really have been feeling more open. It's weird, but fits perfectly. But yeah, that's about the gist of that session. Didn't really talk about my gender change as much as I would have liked, I guess because she has more experience helping with depression she's focused more on that, which I understand because if someone came to you saying their depressed, you have to be concerned they might kill themselves. 

Anyway after we finished, don't remember what brought it up, but she mentioned that she was her own secretary, and cleaning person, and etc. She runs a one-woman business. I told her I'm looking for a job lol. She said she'd love to hire me, but can't. Damn I really wish that would've worked out. Maybe next time eh? I kept thinking to myself "I can work for you for free, and my therapy sessions will be free for me." I really hope she kind of considers someway I might be able to work for her. I would absolutely love it! Anyways, she forgot that she had something from my insurance and she's still waiting to get it all sorted out, so I only had to pay the $40. That I was happy with. 

However, she mentioned there might be a chance I might have to pay less and if that's the case she'll pay me back. But I'm still worried I'll have to end up paying more, which would suck because if I do then my next session will be at least $100. Because I'll owe $60 for that session and $20 for the other 2. She really does seem concerned and interested in me, and I know she doesn't want to lose me as a client because she really wants to help me and even told me she'd love to see me one day as a woman.

So hopefully, now that summer is approaching I can find a decent job that doesn't start at 4am, and be able to afford therapy and start saving up for the hormones and eventual surgeries. 

On another note, I have met two wonderful people over the past couple weeks online. One is a woman who I have enjoyed talking with and we have even exchanged cell numbers and talk just about everyday. And yes I know she is a woman for a fact lol. The other is a wonderful and beautiful transgender. She's a few years younger than I, but a few months ahead of me in the process. She's about to start hormones in a little bit. But she's a beautiful person and a great person to talk with. Both of them are wonderful people to talk with! And I love talking with them both :)

One last thing I want to say here, and god I know this is getting long thanks for sticking to it all this way, but I really want to start being the woman I am. But I can't afford any clothes. My wardrobe consists of 3 pairs of jeans, a couple t-shirts, a couple polo shirts, and 3 long-sleeve flannel shirts. That's it. I wear pretty much the same thing every week. So what I want to say here, and I hate begging, but if you are or know any woman who is tossing out their clothes, I'd love to go through them and maybe pick stuff out. Just leave me a message or email me at Cbayne914@gmail.com and we'll talk. Thanks so much everybody!