My Story

So I realize I haven't been around here too much as of late. Just really haven't had much to blog about. Only thing I can really talk about is the fact that my cousin is still brushing off my chances to meet with her. I really want her help to teach me how to use certain makeup or go shopping, or hell just to hang out and talk. Millions of thoughts run through my head every time I think of what I'd say to her or what she might say to me and what my responses would be. It just really agitates me that someone would say to me "Well I'm glad you felt comfortable to come out to me and I'd love to help you." But then they never do. She didn't say that, just a thought. But she did say she was supportive and I know she even offered to go shopping with me if I wanted. Guess us going bar-hopping together she learned what a bore I am in social situations. I'm always the third-wheel. The party-pooper. The drag. The person no one really wants to be stuck with. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to be around me anymore. I just wish she'd say something. Instead I've asked her time and time again "Hey can we get together or something?" and I'd get the response "Sure we could do it this time..." but then when that times comes, nothing. No messages, no texts, no calls, nothing. Who does that? I mean really? Whatever happened to a courtesy call? I mean, I don't care if you make up an excuse, but at least tell me you don't want to meet so I don't get my hopes up all day only to be crushed by the end of the day. But whatever. Guess I had more to say than I thought when I started this post. Anyways, I wanted to create this post to tell my story. A lovely person on a social help site posted a topic about Coming to Terms with who we are and how we came to those terms. I shared my story. I didn't want to be too specific, but it ended up being fairly long anyways. So I thought I'd just share it with my readers. Please comment people.

Warning: This next piece of literature can be a bit depressing. Please read at your own discretion. 

Back when I was just a year old my parents divorced. Recently I learned why they divorced from my cousin, but I won't go into that. Up until I was 5 it was just me and my mom really. And I was a normal kid. But when I was 6, my mom and I moved in with her boyfriend and one of his daughters in a new house. I was always more attracted to my slightly older sister's clothes and always wanted to be around with her and her friends. They often times spent time making bracelets and jewelry and the like and I loved that, but since I was a 'boy' I was always kicked out. But when she was with her mom, I would slip into her room and make my own jewelry. And occasionally check out her clothes. But nothing more. And really that's all I would do for the most part. Just look through their clothes, even my moms. Eventually through the years I started gaining weight and felt very self-conscious about myself. But as just a little kid, no one really helped me to try and get in shape. Anyways, when I was 13 we moved into our 4th home. My hormones really started kicking up then. And I found a new interest in my moms clothes. We weren't living with my mom's boyfriends daughters anymore since my mom and them didn't get along. By the way, my stepdad was a huge alcoholic back then and made life a living hell. Still does, but not as often. Back to the story. I had begun trying on my moms clothes and loved the way I looked in them. Back then she had all kinds of clothes and makeup and I would get completely dressed up from head to toe. Nowadays she doesn't keep much of either around so I have to make do. I would dress up in her things for a few years and stole a bunch of stuff from her and kept it in my closet. I don't remember when it was, but often times I would dress up at night since I didn't have to worry about being caught. But one particular night I was dressed in her stuff and laid in bed. I must've been tired because I fell asleep in her stuff. This was a Friday night. So on Saturday when she came in my room to get clothes, she saw me lying there in her things. She said something and I went back to sleep since I was tired. I woke up an hour later and took everything off. We never spoke about it again. But I knew she was concerned about it because she wrote about it in her diary. Anyways, at a certain point when I was away, she found my dufflebag filled with her stuff and took it back. Again, never said a thing. Then on Cinco de Mayo 2005, I broke my leg, and that pretty much ended everything for me. That fall I started high school, and pretty much lost all of my friends. Really no one wanted anything to do with me. I didn't realize this until senior year when I would sit in the hall before school started and just sit there. No one would say anything to me. No one cared I was around. It was just a terrible environment for me to be around. That feeling that you could die and nobody would bat an eyelash. And this happened to me one day. I was walking down the hall behind two girls. One of them was talking about me. The other girl she was talking to literally said "who's he?" She was in my grade, and I sat right behind her in some classes before. Arrow through the heart really. But I graduated hating or not caring for about 99% of the people in my class. Now that number is 100%. I didn't realize fully that I wanted to be a female until January of this year. It just hit me really. My life has been complete garbage up until then and no matter how hard I tried to fit in with everyone, it wasn't going to work because I was trying to be someone I clearly was not cut out to be. I know now who I am meant to be and started attending therapy in March of this year to become that person. And ever since, I can honestly say I have been 1000x happier and more comfortable with myself. But that was only the beginning. Much more lies ahead of me and there will be plenty of challenges along the way. 

Yeah, there's really more to the story. I mean not much more. But there is some things left out. That was just to keep the story short. Anyways, thanks everybody who took the time to read or even skim or open this blog post. Take care everyone!

PS: If you couldn't tell I'm in a bit of a shitty mood today. My cousin said we could meet today, but haven't heard a word from her. I wanted to be prepared so I spent pretty much all day getting ready just in case. By this I mean I shaved. And I shaved everywhere. Waste of my time. By the way, Veet hair removal cream really works, highly suggest it :p

Real Therapy 6

Ooooookay! So now here's my therapy post :D So as I mentioned in the last post, I went dressed up. Just I was wearing my normal shorts and shoes. Which made me feel odd lol. Like the top of me was woman, the bottom half was guy. Just with completely shaved legs lol. Anyways, she said I was looking really good and was glowing :) We talked about what had been going on, and mostly I just talked about how I felt my cousin is kind of abandoning me and doesn't really want to help me. She hardly answers any of my messages, and we haven't gotten together since July 3rd. One thing my therapist mentioned was that I need to tell my cousin how important this is to me. She also said I shouldn't rely too heavily on my cousin for support. But I need somebody to help me here. Like she asked me if I would still go to Drag Night even if my cousin couldn't go. I said no because I'd be feeling to awkward and left out. Like I'd have no one to talk to or save me lol. But she's right, I shouldn't rely heavily on my cousin, but at the same time, I need to let her know that this is very important to me. We'll see how all that plays out. 

One thing that got me very excited is, she told me how another transgender person had contacted her. She missed the first email, and sent out another. She's hoping know to get a return from them. I just don't know whether this person is female-to-male or male-to-female. My therapist kept using 'she' which really for transgender people could mean anything. She could be referring to her as 'she' because that's how male-to-female transpeople feel we are and like to be referred as. Or, she could be female-to-male and was just being referred to as a she because that's what she is, not what she wants to be. When I meet a transgender person like myself I refer to them as the person they want to be. I'm a male still, but I'd like to be referred to as 'her' or 'she'. And for other m2f's I talk to them as women. I haven't met a f2m yet, but I would talk to them as if they were men. But anyways, if my therapist and her do start having sessions, it might wind up to us meeting and possibly even my therapist starting a group session with other LGBT people :) I hope that works out :)

Hmm, you know what, I think that's about it. I really didn't have much to talk about except my family and how I felt free this last week. We even ended about 10 minutes early. So I guess that's about it really lol. 

Also I realized that in my last post I said I was going to show 2 of the pics I liked, but completely forgot, so I'm gonna post them here :) 

So here I am :) Only thing I hate about these pics is that my arms aren't tanned all the way lol. The skirt I'm wearing is the one I was referring too in my last post :) The top I am wearing in the 1st pic is the one I wore to therapy, and the top in the 2nd pic is my moms lol. Let me know what you all think! :) Until next time, love you all and thanks for reading! :)

Therapy 6?? And Week of Freedom!

Hii Everybody! :) This week was a fantastic week! My family went on vacation and I stayed home alone. Oh my goodness! I had so much fun being alone! As soon as they hit they road at 4am, I was going through my moms closet and picking out stuff I thought might fit me. And I just had a ton of fun :) My therapist texted me Sunday night saying she had to cancel Monday, but that we could meet on Wednesday. That's why I really didn't have this post ready that day. I'll get to therapy in a minute. Let's talk about my week :)

So on Monday, I got totally made up! Threw on makeup, some blush (But I wasn't great with it lol) and then threw on a bunch of different outfits. I found 2 skirts in the basement that belonged to my mom. I couldn't zip either of them up, but they stayed up lol. One of them had a slit on the legs, I didn't keep that one, but the other had the zipper in the back. I could cover it with my shirts, so I wore, and kept, that skirt :) I took some pics and post the 2 I liked the most :) I also went to my aunts with the intention of coming out to her and getting my hair cleaned up. She did cut my hair slightly in the back and sides, but I wasn't able to come out to her. So When I got home, I messaged my cousin saying she could tell her. She hasn't yet though. 

On Tuesday, not much happened. I started watching Game of Thrones. Got through the 1st season that day, and also went out to see The Wolverine. That was a good movie :) That's really about it for Tuesday lol.

On Wednesday, boy what a day that was! I started watching season 2 of Game of Thrones that morning. Went out for a bike ride. Then came home and got ready for therapy at 3:30. I went dressed up! I had makeup on from my head to my chest, tried some pink blush under my eyes, but that got messy lol. I wore my fave women's shirt, a tank top from my mom, and one of her bras. Felt totally liberated going out like that. I'll get to therapy again in a moment. But she challenged me to go to Kohls and grab some men's and women's clothes and try them on. After therapy I went to Target and got some things, including hair removal cream and nail polish remover! After that I went to Barnes and Noble. Didn't get anything. By this time it was pouring down rain, so I decided to go home. When I came home there was a guy filming something. I don't know what, but eventually him and a reporter came to my door and asked me some questions about these water bottle bombs that had been around my neighborhood. And I totally got on the news! That was so funny lol. Here's the link to my story :) http://www.myfoxchicago.com/story/23078181/valparaiso-police-warn-of-bottle-bombs-found-in-mailboxes

Okay, so on Thursday, finished watching season 2 of Game of Thrones. Had a cavity filled, which gave me a huge friggin cancor sore on my right side of my mouth, hurts like hell! Then I went out to dinner with my grandma, aunt, uncle, other aunt, and 2 cousins lol. That was a bit of fun. I learned I used to keep a knife under my bed when I was 2 lol, Had no idea I did that. 

And on Friday, I had a busy day. Woke up and went bike riding. Got home with that Showered and then went out to the movies to see Elysium. Not that a great a movie. Felt rushed, action scenes you could hardly tell what was going on, and it drove me nuts how they got Matt Damon's shirt back on after screwing the machine into his back! But then after that, I had to drive all over town to get home because a stupid train had stalled on the tracks. Got home, made a quick grocery list, and picked up some food to make mac & cheese, and cheesecake for this family get-together we had yesterday. Then my family got home, and it's been blah ever since lol. So yeah that was my week of freedom :) 

Now onto Therapy, you know what? I've already made this too long. I'll make that into a new post lol :)