Things Just Get So Frustrating!

Hey everybody, seems like as the weeks pass, I have less and less to really say. My depression has pretty mush all but subsided, minus 1 extreme case (I'll get to that in a bit), but I've been very happy as of late thanks to two of the most wonderful people in the world! Should they ever happen to come across this, I just want to say, Kat and Claire, you two have made my life so much better and thank you so so much for being my friend and talking with me :) 

Now back to the frustrations lol. About a week ago, I started shopping (online of course) for new clothes. Since I've been losing weight, my clothes don't really fit as well anymore. And I can't really shop for pants or shorts or anything because I'm at an odd fit where either it'll be too small or too large. So I only went shopping for shirts. I had some really cute women's clothes and a couple plain tees over on Kohls. Unfortunately, because Kohls erases your order history if you close out, I was reduced to buying just plain mens tees since it eventually ended up on my moms account instead of mine. Then I had some cute tanks and a sports bra, along with a tee and a polo in mens at Penneys. But as I was almost about to hit the order button, my mom decided to have the clothes shipped to the store instead of our house to save $8. Now because I don't know how that works and my mom would have to be the one to pickup the order. I had to again erase most of my orders. The sports bra and tanks went, but I was able to keep in one women's plain t-shirt. I ended up talking with one of my friends that night, and she kinda encouraged me to go out and get a credit card. Yes, I'm 22 and don't have a credit card, so what lol. But I don't really know how to go about doing it, and it makes me kind of nervous to go out and get one. But having one would allow me to shop at like Wal-Mart online and buy some clothes relatively cheap. So I may do it, I may not. I don't know. I also don't want to be making a bunch of purchases without a job ya know? So that's that for the most part. 

Now I want to get on that one extreme case that had me really upset one night. My friend Jill, who has encouraged me and enlightened me to become what I truly feel, will no longer talk with me. See I questioned one day if she was who she says she is. It's really not hard for a guy to put up pictures of a girl and just play it out that way. In hindsight it was stupid of me to question after everything she has told me and advice she has given. But once I asked that, she was pissed. I tried telling her I was sorry time and time again, but never got any responses. Now we only talk through emails, so how was I supposed to know she was pissed? But anyway, one day I wrote on her profile page just asking why she was ignoring me and such. A few minutes later, she deleted the comment. I then sent her a private message kind of being a jerk in a way. Basically asking why she was toying with me. And that even through all that, whether her name was Jill, Jim, or whatever, I'd still like to be friends. Then a few minutes later, and for the first time ever, she emails me at like 9pm. She had never emailed me like anytime after 5pm. She tells me that I need to lay off and give her space. And that if I talk with her again, she'll pretty much never talk with me ever again. So that kind of put me in a screwed position. I emailed her back the next day saying sorry, and that I would never message her again and I told her thanks for finally telling me to give her space. Again, how was I supposed to know that? If somebody ignores you through email after you had just asked if they are who they say they are, what are you really going to assume there? Anyways, I told her goodbye, and it's been a little over two weeks now since that message. I miss her, but at the same time, she hates me. So better to just leave her alone and have hope that maybe someday she'll talk with me again, then to keep bugging her and know she'll never talk with me again. I cried that night and talked with my friend Kat about it. I went to sleep early, and just didn't want to think about it anymore. But somedays I just can't help it, and I miss talking with her. She was my first true friend, even if it was online. But now I have 2 new friends who have made my life gleam with happiness.

So lastly, I have therapy coming up June 10th, that will most likely be my next blog post. My friend Kat, has a friend Matt, who actually said he'd come here to pick me up just to go shopping with Kat just so she would stop asking his opinion on clothes lol. Kat told me he'd actually do it, but I don't really know him too well yet, and I don't want him to drive 6 hours to pick me up and drive back. But I keep thinking about it and how much fun it would actually be. I'm trying to see a doctor because my left ear is deaf, and while there I'm going to ask about an endocrinologist and possibly a dermatologist too. That way I can really get the ball rolling here. There's really not much more for me to report here. If anything comes up, I'll try and remember it for my next post. Love ya'll and have a wonderful day! :)

Makeup

Hey everyone! So I have a new picture up right under my About Me. I am wearing covergirl makeup blending cream and a little bit of Mary Kay lip balm. Surprisingly, my mom has no lipstick in the house! lol But with my phone I used this effect that kinda makes it look like I'm wearing pink lipstick. I had a lot of fun with it and can't believe how well that blending cream worked! Think I might have to pick up a bottle of my own! :) So here are the things I need to pick up when I'm going full on girl mode:

CoverGirl Blending Cream
Sally Hanson Nail Polish
Nail Polish Remover
Some type of lipstick lol

I'm so glad I'm finally getting into this way of life. Who knows, I may even wear makeup to my next therapy session! It'd be real nice to go out with this damn stubble just invisible. So I may do that if I can get away with it. 

Also, a friend of mine showed me this website called thedealrack.com Lots of really cheap clothes on there and some really beautiful stuff. Now usually I'll spend about $50-$75 on clothes. So I figure if I go there and get a couple just kinda t-shirts and some polo shirts, I can probably throw in some cute tops maybe even some jeans or yoga pants. There was this really cute pair of sweatpants I wanted! So I may do that sometime soon as well. Might make a wishlist and save it for the future, then when I'm ready and have my mom's credit card, I buy those things! :) Love ya'll and have a beautiful day!

Therapy 3

Ok so first off, sorry I haven't been posting in a while. Just really didn't have anything new to add. Might not for a while after this either. But I had my 3rd therapy session last night and there was a little bit of trouble beforehand, but that's been cleared up. 

She wasn't getting paid by my insurance, and we talked about that through emails the past week. We both made calls to my insurance, and she found out that my deductible was too high so they won't pay her. Even though when I called they said one of the claims was paid. Who knows, maybe eventually they pay her. But she felt it was unfair for me after what we've already gone through to have to start all over. I am very appreciative of that. So if she ever comes across this, Thank you so much! So yeah, I'm only paying $40 per session, but if there comes a time she may need a bit more from me, you bet I'm gonna help out! But okay back to the session.

We started talking about what had been going on since the last time. Thankfully we started off more about me being transgender than the depression. I guess that's because I told her that I had started identifying as a transgender rather than a male. So we talked a lot about that. Mostly about learning about make-up, getting new clothes that I would actually like, and a little bit about what else I could do. It was funny, at one point she said she wished I had an ally to take me shopping around and help me out. I'm sitting there like "why can't that be you?" lol So again, if she ever reads this, Will you be my ally? I really think it would be fantastic! But she's busy I understand that, someday I'll find that ally. 

And she also said that she wished that ally was my mom. That was a lot about what we talked about. Like how I would tell her, and that I don't want to just completely shock her. So I now really need to plan on what I'm going to say when that time comes and think about what her reactions may be. Me being the only son of both my mom and dad (they're divorced) it's hard to just come out and say your only son wants to be another daughter. Hell, I'll say this now since really this blog can be accessed by anyone all over the world. Mom, if you ever come across this, there's a lot we need to talk about. 

Anyway, she asked at one point if I had another name chosen and I told her Kirstin, even though I'm not 100% set on that yet, and there are still others. But it was nice being called Kirstin out in the open for the first time. And since no one commented on my last post, guess I still gotta do a lot of thinking about my name. Though I liked being called Kirstin, a lot of times, people don't even call me my own name. So it felt kind of awkward being called a name just in general. 

Anyway that was actually most of our discussion. We didn't talk a lot more about anything else, and that's because really things are going pretty well for me. I'm all done with school for the semester. Have summer class sometime in July, but for the next few months I'm free. Have a job interview on Monday at Target. I hope I get it because I need money, but I also hope it's not for a stocking job. I don't want to have to work at 4:30 in the morning again. So yeah, just thought I'd let all my readers know I'm doing well. Things are getting a little brighter in my side of the world. Love ya'll and thank you so much for reading :)