So I realize I haven't been around here too much as of late. Just really haven't had much to blog about. Only thing I can really talk about is the fact that my cousin is still brushing off my chances to meet with her. I really want her help to teach me how to use certain makeup or go shopping, or hell just to hang out and talk. Millions of thoughts run through my head every time I think of what I'd say to her or what she might say to me and what my responses would be. It just really agitates me that someone would say to me "Well I'm glad you felt comfortable to come out to me and I'd love to help you." But then they never do. She didn't say that, just a thought. But she did say she was supportive and I know she even offered to go shopping with me if I wanted. Guess us going bar-hopping together she learned what a bore I am in social situations. I'm always the third-wheel. The party-pooper. The drag. The person no one really wants to be stuck with. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to be around me anymore. I just wish she'd say something. Instead I've asked her time and time again "Hey can we get together or something?" and I'd get the response "Sure we could do it this time..." but then when that times comes, nothing. No messages, no texts, no calls, nothing. Who does that? I mean really? Whatever happened to a courtesy call? I mean, I don't care if you make up an excuse, but at least tell me you don't want to meet so I don't get my hopes up all day only to be crushed by the end of the day. But whatever. Guess I had more to say than I thought when I started this post. Anyways, I wanted to create this post to tell my story. A lovely person on a social help site posted a topic about Coming to Terms with who we are and how we came to those terms. I shared my story. I didn't want to be too specific, but it ended up being fairly long anyways. So I thought I'd just share it with my readers. Please comment people.
Warning: This next piece of literature can be a bit depressing. Please read at your own discretion.
Back when I was just a year old my parents divorced. Recently I learned why they divorced from my cousin, but I won't go into that. Up until I was 5 it was just me and my mom really. And I was a normal kid. But when I was 6, my mom and I moved in with her boyfriend and one of his daughters in a new house. I was always more attracted to my slightly older sister's clothes and always wanted to be around with her and her friends. They often times spent time making bracelets and jewelry and the like and I loved that, but since I was a 'boy' I was always kicked out. But when she was with her mom, I would slip into her room and make my own jewelry. And occasionally check out her clothes. But nothing more. And really that's all I would do for the most part. Just look through their clothes, even my moms. Eventually through the years I started gaining weight and felt very self-conscious about myself. But as just a little kid, no one really helped me to try and get in shape. Anyways, when I was 13 we moved into our 4th home. My hormones really started kicking up then. And I found a new interest in my moms clothes. We weren't living with my mom's boyfriends daughters anymore since my mom and them didn't get along. By the way, my stepdad was a huge alcoholic back then and made life a living hell. Still does, but not as often. Back to the story. I had begun trying on my moms clothes and loved the way I looked in them. Back then she had all kinds of clothes and makeup and I would get completely dressed up from head to toe. Nowadays she doesn't keep much of either around so I have to make do. I would dress up in her things for a few years and stole a bunch of stuff from her and kept it in my closet. I don't remember when it was, but often times I would dress up at night since I didn't have to worry about being caught. But one particular night I was dressed in her stuff and laid in bed. I must've been tired because I fell asleep in her stuff. This was a Friday night. So on Saturday when she came in my room to get clothes, she saw me lying there in her things. She said something and I went back to sleep since I was tired. I woke up an hour later and took everything off. We never spoke about it again. But I knew she was concerned about it because she wrote about it in her diary. Anyways, at a certain point when I was away, she found my dufflebag filled with her stuff and took it back. Again, never said a thing. Then on Cinco de Mayo 2005, I broke my leg, and that pretty much ended everything for me. That fall I started high school, and pretty much lost all of my friends. Really no one wanted anything to do with me. I didn't realize this until senior year when I would sit in the hall before school started and just sit there. No one would say anything to me. No one cared I was around. It was just a terrible environment for me to be around. That feeling that you could die and nobody would bat an eyelash. And this happened to me one day. I was walking down the hall behind two girls. One of them was talking about me. The other girl she was talking to literally said "who's he?" She was in my grade, and I sat right behind her in some classes before. Arrow through the heart really. But I graduated hating or not caring for about 99% of the people in my class. Now that number is 100%. I didn't realize fully that I wanted to be a female until January of this year. It just hit me really. My life has been complete garbage up until then and no matter how hard I tried to fit in with everyone, it wasn't going to work because I was trying to be someone I clearly was not cut out to be. I know now who I am meant to be and started attending therapy in March of this year to become that person. And ever since, I can honestly say I have been 1000x happier and more comfortable with myself. But that was only the beginning. Much more lies ahead of me and there will be plenty of challenges along the way.
Yeah, there's really more to the story. I mean not much more. But there is some things left out. That was just to keep the story short. Anyways, thanks everybody who took the time to read or even skim or open this blog post. Take care everyone!
PS: If you couldn't tell I'm in a bit of a shitty mood today. My cousin said we could meet today, but haven't heard a word from her. I wanted to be prepared so I spent pretty much all day getting ready just in case. By this I mean I shaved. And I shaved everywhere. Waste of my time. By the way, Veet hair removal cream really works, highly suggest it :p
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