Psychology

So okay, I just finished up my psychology homework for the week and I have kind of always had the thought, that transwoman may tend to want to be females more if they didn't have a father around. Of course, the strongest argument is that we are born this way, but sometimes the psychological side just makes so much damn sense! 

Anyways, I'm doing this test and up comes the 5 psychosexual stages of Freud. And it goes to say that in the phallic stage children are supposed to repress their feelings for the opposite-sex parent, and start identifying more with the same-sex parent. So for example, boys would take on the mannerisms of the father and want to grow up to be like him. It mentions girls see the the father as the target of affection and the mother as a rival. Kinda gross, but whatever. Anyways, it goes on to say that children without same-sex parents don't have that identification, so boy's typically become "mama's boys" and girls tend to date older men. That's not really what I'm aiming for.

What I'm trying to get at is, is it more likely that a boy who grows up without a father is more likely to identify with the mother and want to dress up in dresses and put on makeup and more likely to be homosexual or transgender? Who knows, but it'd be an interesting thing to study. 

I didn't know it at the time, but now I can say I was supposed to be born a woman. I can recall back to the age of 4. I was alone in the bathroom. I grabbed a ton of toilet paper and stuff into under my shirt and in the back of my pants to give me that sort of female figure. Children can be so sophisticated by the age of 4. I believe that's really when the acknowledgement of "Am I a girl or boy?" appears. Quite honestly, ages 1-3 who cares? Age 1, the baby has no control over anything they do anyways. Age 2, the parent is still doing 95% of the work for them, and age three is sort of the start. 

Now I grew up with family. My aunt used to babysit and there'd always be kids around. I was normal. I never really acted like a girl, but neither as a boy either. Just a child having fun playing tag or making up new games. That's all it was back in those days. Ugh, I'm getting off subject. 

So anyways, I would really like to see a thorough study done on transgenders who grew up without the same-sex parent. It wouldn't conclude anything, but might suggest some things. Who knows. That's all for now folks :)

P.S. I am really liking Tumblr now so I think I will be using it as my primary blog since I can write short blurbs here and there. Wheras here, I feel I need to write about something important ya know? I will be using Tumblr to talk about things I feel worth talking about as well as using Twitter. For this blog, I will pretty much just be using it to update where I'm at in transitioning and talk about my therapy. My Tumblr is ConvertedGirl.Tumblr.Com and my Twitter handle is of course, @ConvertedGirl. Those are not links, so don't try clicking sorry! Thanks!!!

Therapy 8 and Other Goings-On

So, HUGE apology for not using this blog that much lately. School has consumed a lot of my time and other times I just don't have much to talk about. Hopefully though, those of you who do read my blog are following me on twitter so you can get up-to-date a little. Umm, so let's start off with therapy I suppose. 

I did have therapy last Wednesday, the 6th, after not having been for 2 months because of her pregnancy. I kinda felt ripped off a little bit because the person before me ran late with her so we didn't start til about 10 after, and we even ended early. So I only got like 40 minutes instead of 50-60. And a lot of what we talked about was stuff we've already talked about. Which I guess is understandable since we haven't seen each other since September. I dunno, I felt a little ripped off. But nothing I can do about it now. Only thing I regret was not having talked to her again about my letter of recommendation for hormones. I have been trying to get my mom to schedule me for a blood test, she thinks it's just so I can see if I'm healthy. Not true. Well kinda is. Anyways, I am going to be pushing for that more so I can take it to another doctor and talk about hormones. Luckily, there's a medical center not 5 minutes from me that does such a thing :) I did dress up for therapy again, this time more than usual. Or at least I felt that way. But yeah, that's kinda about it :/

If I haven't mentioned it before, I have come out to 2 other family members, my aunt and cousin. Her side of the family is supportive of LGBT and that's nice to have and I knew that beforehand they were open to that side. But anyways, last Friday I got together with my aunt and she helped teach me how to flat iron my hair. She did a really great job and I have pics to share. I'm practicing to do it myself now, it's not going so hot lol. But yeah, next she says she wants to help me wax my eyebrows, and hopefully I can talk her into giving my hair some color to cover up my grey hairs. I might try and talk with her next week since my classes are nearing an end and I won't have nearly as much homework after this week. And if I do, I'll be sure to post pics and write about it :)

So let's see what else is going on. I started back on the treadmill last week after completing the 30-Day Squat challenge in October. That was so tough, but I have noticed an improvement in my butt lol. School is getting stressful, but hitting the end so it won't be so tough. Hmm, I really don't know what else I wanted to talk about. So I'm just gonna throw a couple last item things in here before I get to the pics. 

• I just created a Tumblr site after seeing a friends and it looked much more visually appealing than this blog, so in time I may switch to that as my primary blog. 
• Of course, I'm on Twitter as @ConvertedGirl, feel free to follow me :)
• I have an amazon wishlist now, I'm not begging you to buy me anything, but you'd make a Tgirl very happy and I'd be sure to post pics of course :)http://www.amazon.com/registry/wishlist/1ID72NS691C48/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_ws_p.dHsb0JC96RQ
• You can friend me on Facebook, I'm Rachel Posey on there. Look for the pic with the dolphin :) Just don't leave a bunch of lewd comments or messages. Just trying to be friends, not 'friendly'. 

I think that about wraps it up! So I'll leave you here with a couple pics of my new do. Enjoy! Peace and thanks for reading! :)

Happy National Coming Out Day!

Hey everybody! I haven't written anything in a while. Honestly, I've had stuff to say, but been so frickin' busy with school I have no time to blog! Luckily, things are starting to slow down a little, so I can tell you all a little about what's been going on. Also have some new pics I'll share!

So I found out today through Twitter that today is National Coming Out Day. I took this as an opportunity to post on Facebook that I am bisexual, but more importantly I am transgender. Now, I didn't tell everybody, actually maybe only told 10 people on FB about this. A couple of which already knew. But some of my family live up in Michigan so I won't really have the opportunity to tell them in person. So if they see it on FB then they'll know :) There's also a few friends I told too who I don't really talk to as much, but I know that they'd be fun to hang out with and could also teach me a few things. But anyways, this brings me to my next point.

3 weeks ago I decided to tell my cousin. This is the brother of the cousin I have already told. We were going to go to dinner and watch the Bears-Steelers game. Unfortunately he was in Bloomington that weekend and didn't make it home in time for the game. I was a little upset, but knew I'd have other opportunities. So the very next week we met up at Bdubs for the Lions-Bears game (Oh my!). We talked for a bit just in general, and then came a moment of silence and we just sat and watched the game. So I just came right out with it and told him that I'm transgender. He's luckily got some friends that are transgender and was totally fine with it. Honestly, I felt awkward telling him, because even though it was a helpful thing for me to do, there's not really much he can do to help me ya know? But anyways, a couple days later I met with my aunt for a haircut. I had trouble telling her last time so I told my female cousin that she could tell her. Well, I wasn't sure if she had or not until I got there. I sit in the chair to get my haircut, and she comes down and says "She told me about what you're doing" and such. Huge relief! She was incredibly supportive and had plenty of questions which I both love and hate answering. But anyways, it's nice knowing I have a quarter of my family on my side. And I have another person who can not only show me some things about makeup, but she can also style my hair. And I'll definitely be getting my hair styled next time! I only got it trimmed this last time. But yeah, it feels great having people know and be on my side. 

So now let's talk briefly about what I've been up to. Mostly school, but now I'm pretty organized. I started doing To-do lists and that's been helping me along. I've given 2 speeches in my speech class, got a B- on the first, B on the 2nd. So hopefully that'll give me some confidence to pass this damned class lol. Really I've been focused on school, but there are some really great tv shows that have started up this fall that are a nice break from reality. I'll list my faves;

Agents of SHIELD

Sleepy Hollow

The Goldbergs

The Micheal J. Fox Show

The Crazy Ones

And then there's the returning shows like, South Park, Parks and Rec, The League, Always Sunny, American Horror Story (Awesome btw!), and Walking Dead starts Sunday!!!

It's always nice to have a break from reality, and you should always take that time to escape reality, but don't do it for too long because then you get bored with real life and do something you may regret. Anyways, Life Lesson #1 huh? lol

So lastly here, I had the house to myself last weekend and totally took advantage! I threw on makeup and even tried eyeshadow for the first time. Was a total disaster! But I'm a newbie and I'll get better with time and practice. But thankfully it's not noticeable in my pics. I'm just gonna go with the two I really liked. 

Anyways, that's about all I have to say for today. My next therapy appt is Nov. 4th so look for a post about that shortly after. But hopefully something else will come up that I can write about. I'd love to be able to write about Halloween, but unfortunately I will have class that night and don't know exactly what I'll be able to do, but I'd love to have my cousin help me make me up and maybe go to a bar for a party or something. But that's just a wish right now. A girls gotta have dreams and wishes :) Love you all an thanks for reading!

Therapy 7 and School

Hii Everybody! First off, my apologies for not updating in a while. Not really much to share over here. But, Wednesday I did have therapy. Will share a pic of how I dressed for it :) Last time though I started off with therapy and then had to do it in another post so let's start off with it today and see if I can get in some other things!

Okay, well first of all, yes I did go dressed up again to therapy even though my family was home this time. Bit of a risk since I had makeup on, but went about it just fine. I did purchase my first bottle of foundation then night before among other things :) So I don't have to use my mom's anymore. Anyway, the basic discussion we had that night was really about me needing to be more open and honest with others. Needing to express myself and vocalize my feelings. That's tough for me, because I've never really done that before. So I'm still kinda working on that. But that was a big part of our discussion that night. We also talked about ways for me to open up and tell my aunt and cousin that I'm transitioning. I haven't met with my other cousin since the night we went bar-hopping, but have chatted with her here and there on Facebook. Anyways, that was actually a large part of the discussion. The last part we talked about was my letter of recommendation for hormones. She has never written one before so she wants to do some research and know kind of what to really put in it so that I can begin HRT and really take a HUGE step forward into transitioning! She is pregnant however, and is due at the end of the month. Congratulations! (In case she stumbles upon this someday lol) She's taking the month of October off, so I won't see her again until early November. Kind of disappointing cause I have to wait an extra month to get my letter, but at the same time, it allows me to save some money. So far I've pretty much been paying for therapy by mowing our lawn. Well, can only mow the lawn for so long. Eventually I'll need new ways of earning some cash to pay for hormones and therapy. Hopefully, hormones don't cost too much, but if they do (And I will ask beforehand) I will put it off until I have a job or after college. But yay! Finally going to get my letter and that, to me, is validation that I am ready :)

One thing I didn't mention in therapy, probably should have just because it was interesting, was that about last week I had two very specific dreams about being caught. One by my mom, the other by this girl who I sort of grew attached to in high school. She was a year older than I. But in my dream with my mom, I was in her stuff and found a nightgown and a robe, so I put them on and she saw me standing there in them. I told her everything and she was very supportive. It made me feel like maybe everything won't be so bad when I do come out to her. And in my other dream, I was talking with a friend in the garage and she was with us but wanted to use the bathroom. I had noticed she was gone for a while, so I went in to check on her. Nervous that she was going in my room. I had found her in my room and just about everything was out in the open. She saw all my clothes, and sort of dragged it out of me. I told her, and she was happy and wanted to help me. So she actually helped me get made up and dressed and we went out to a bar together. Woke up after that unfortunately, but was a very fun dream :)

Lastly here, I am back in school :( 6 classes this semester which is a LOT. But managing so far. Psychology seems to be my most fun class. Pretty much just watch videos and answer questions. 5 of my classes are online so that makes things a lot easier on me. And I can still dress up and be myself at home. My speech class is the one class I have to attend regularly, and so far it isn't bad. The teacher's an old pervert who picks mainly on the women. Glad I don't look like one enough yet lol. 3 of my other classes are fairly simple and straightforward, but my International Finance class is looking impossible. The teacher is terrible and doesn't explain things at all. But yet, we are supposed to do a simulation type game and keep our company afloat. Fuck that! Wish I could drop, but it's required for my degree. Isn't that stupid? I have no interest in international business, yet I have to take this class to graduate!

Let me tell you all something right now, for my somewhat younger readers, college is a waste! If you have a scholarship or a field that actually requires a degree, then it's worthwhile. But people, a business degree is meaningless. It does absolutely nothing except get your foot in the door! It guarantees you nothing! If I was a freshmen or maybe sophomore, I'd drop Business and would have taken Psychology. That's a field I have grown more and more interested in. But you absolutely do NOT need a business degree for anything! People can manage and run and create their own businesses without a degree. Ugh, absolutely worthless. Wait I'm sorry, it's not worthless, it's worse than worthless because it drowns you in debt and then you're pretty much stuck working a job you could've gotten without a degree to pay it back. So, for my younger readers, AVOID BUSINESS DEGREES! Sure, take a few classes as electives, but not as a major!

That's my little rant for this post lol. I'm all done for today. Today is the 35th annual Popcorn Fest here in Valparaiso, so I am looking forward to that! I may write another post this week as there is someone I would like to talk about that my therapist connected me with. Also my birthday is the 14th, so may throw in something about that too! Or maybe I'll write after and share what I did :) Until next time! Enjoy and have fun! Love to all!

PS. Almost forgot my pic! Here it is!
PPS.This was my 4th pic with the flash on, so I was a bit blind lol That's why I'm making that face.

My Story

So I realize I haven't been around here too much as of late. Just really haven't had much to blog about. Only thing I can really talk about is the fact that my cousin is still brushing off my chances to meet with her. I really want her help to teach me how to use certain makeup or go shopping, or hell just to hang out and talk. Millions of thoughts run through my head every time I think of what I'd say to her or what she might say to me and what my responses would be. It just really agitates me that someone would say to me "Well I'm glad you felt comfortable to come out to me and I'd love to help you." But then they never do. She didn't say that, just a thought. But she did say she was supportive and I know she even offered to go shopping with me if I wanted. Guess us going bar-hopping together she learned what a bore I am in social situations. I'm always the third-wheel. The party-pooper. The drag. The person no one really wants to be stuck with. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to be around me anymore. I just wish she'd say something. Instead I've asked her time and time again "Hey can we get together or something?" and I'd get the response "Sure we could do it this time..." but then when that times comes, nothing. No messages, no texts, no calls, nothing. Who does that? I mean really? Whatever happened to a courtesy call? I mean, I don't care if you make up an excuse, but at least tell me you don't want to meet so I don't get my hopes up all day only to be crushed by the end of the day. But whatever. Guess I had more to say than I thought when I started this post. Anyways, I wanted to create this post to tell my story. A lovely person on a social help site posted a topic about Coming to Terms with who we are and how we came to those terms. I shared my story. I didn't want to be too specific, but it ended up being fairly long anyways. So I thought I'd just share it with my readers. Please comment people.

Warning: This next piece of literature can be a bit depressing. Please read at your own discretion. 

Back when I was just a year old my parents divorced. Recently I learned why they divorced from my cousin, but I won't go into that. Up until I was 5 it was just me and my mom really. And I was a normal kid. But when I was 6, my mom and I moved in with her boyfriend and one of his daughters in a new house. I was always more attracted to my slightly older sister's clothes and always wanted to be around with her and her friends. They often times spent time making bracelets and jewelry and the like and I loved that, but since I was a 'boy' I was always kicked out. But when she was with her mom, I would slip into her room and make my own jewelry. And occasionally check out her clothes. But nothing more. And really that's all I would do for the most part. Just look through their clothes, even my moms. Eventually through the years I started gaining weight and felt very self-conscious about myself. But as just a little kid, no one really helped me to try and get in shape. Anyways, when I was 13 we moved into our 4th home. My hormones really started kicking up then. And I found a new interest in my moms clothes. We weren't living with my mom's boyfriends daughters anymore since my mom and them didn't get along. By the way, my stepdad was a huge alcoholic back then and made life a living hell. Still does, but not as often. Back to the story. I had begun trying on my moms clothes and loved the way I looked in them. Back then she had all kinds of clothes and makeup and I would get completely dressed up from head to toe. Nowadays she doesn't keep much of either around so I have to make do. I would dress up in her things for a few years and stole a bunch of stuff from her and kept it in my closet. I don't remember when it was, but often times I would dress up at night since I didn't have to worry about being caught. But one particular night I was dressed in her stuff and laid in bed. I must've been tired because I fell asleep in her stuff. This was a Friday night. So on Saturday when she came in my room to get clothes, she saw me lying there in her things. She said something and I went back to sleep since I was tired. I woke up an hour later and took everything off. We never spoke about it again. But I knew she was concerned about it because she wrote about it in her diary. Anyways, at a certain point when I was away, she found my dufflebag filled with her stuff and took it back. Again, never said a thing. Then on Cinco de Mayo 2005, I broke my leg, and that pretty much ended everything for me. That fall I started high school, and pretty much lost all of my friends. Really no one wanted anything to do with me. I didn't realize this until senior year when I would sit in the hall before school started and just sit there. No one would say anything to me. No one cared I was around. It was just a terrible environment for me to be around. That feeling that you could die and nobody would bat an eyelash. And this happened to me one day. I was walking down the hall behind two girls. One of them was talking about me. The other girl she was talking to literally said "who's he?" She was in my grade, and I sat right behind her in some classes before. Arrow through the heart really. But I graduated hating or not caring for about 99% of the people in my class. Now that number is 100%. I didn't realize fully that I wanted to be a female until January of this year. It just hit me really. My life has been complete garbage up until then and no matter how hard I tried to fit in with everyone, it wasn't going to work because I was trying to be someone I clearly was not cut out to be. I know now who I am meant to be and started attending therapy in March of this year to become that person. And ever since, I can honestly say I have been 1000x happier and more comfortable with myself. But that was only the beginning. Much more lies ahead of me and there will be plenty of challenges along the way. 

Yeah, there's really more to the story. I mean not much more. But there is some things left out. That was just to keep the story short. Anyways, thanks everybody who took the time to read or even skim or open this blog post. Take care everyone!

PS: If you couldn't tell I'm in a bit of a shitty mood today. My cousin said we could meet today, but haven't heard a word from her. I wanted to be prepared so I spent pretty much all day getting ready just in case. By this I mean I shaved. And I shaved everywhere. Waste of my time. By the way, Veet hair removal cream really works, highly suggest it :p

Real Therapy 6

Ooooookay! So now here's my therapy post :D So as I mentioned in the last post, I went dressed up. Just I was wearing my normal shorts and shoes. Which made me feel odd lol. Like the top of me was woman, the bottom half was guy. Just with completely shaved legs lol. Anyways, she said I was looking really good and was glowing :) We talked about what had been going on, and mostly I just talked about how I felt my cousin is kind of abandoning me and doesn't really want to help me. She hardly answers any of my messages, and we haven't gotten together since July 3rd. One thing my therapist mentioned was that I need to tell my cousin how important this is to me. She also said I shouldn't rely too heavily on my cousin for support. But I need somebody to help me here. Like she asked me if I would still go to Drag Night even if my cousin couldn't go. I said no because I'd be feeling to awkward and left out. Like I'd have no one to talk to or save me lol. But she's right, I shouldn't rely heavily on my cousin, but at the same time, I need to let her know that this is very important to me. We'll see how all that plays out. 

One thing that got me very excited is, she told me how another transgender person had contacted her. She missed the first email, and sent out another. She's hoping know to get a return from them. I just don't know whether this person is female-to-male or male-to-female. My therapist kept using 'she' which really for transgender people could mean anything. She could be referring to her as 'she' because that's how male-to-female transpeople feel we are and like to be referred as. Or, she could be female-to-male and was just being referred to as a she because that's what she is, not what she wants to be. When I meet a transgender person like myself I refer to them as the person they want to be. I'm a male still, but I'd like to be referred to as 'her' or 'she'. And for other m2f's I talk to them as women. I haven't met a f2m yet, but I would talk to them as if they were men. But anyways, if my therapist and her do start having sessions, it might wind up to us meeting and possibly even my therapist starting a group session with other LGBT people :) I hope that works out :)

Hmm, you know what, I think that's about it. I really didn't have much to talk about except my family and how I felt free this last week. We even ended about 10 minutes early. So I guess that's about it really lol. 

Also I realized that in my last post I said I was going to show 2 of the pics I liked, but completely forgot, so I'm gonna post them here :) 

So here I am :) Only thing I hate about these pics is that my arms aren't tanned all the way lol. The skirt I'm wearing is the one I was referring too in my last post :) The top I am wearing in the 1st pic is the one I wore to therapy, and the top in the 2nd pic is my moms lol. Let me know what you all think! :) Until next time, love you all and thanks for reading! :)

Therapy 6?? And Week of Freedom!

Hii Everybody! :) This week was a fantastic week! My family went on vacation and I stayed home alone. Oh my goodness! I had so much fun being alone! As soon as they hit they road at 4am, I was going through my moms closet and picking out stuff I thought might fit me. And I just had a ton of fun :) My therapist texted me Sunday night saying she had to cancel Monday, but that we could meet on Wednesday. That's why I really didn't have this post ready that day. I'll get to therapy in a minute. Let's talk about my week :)

So on Monday, I got totally made up! Threw on makeup, some blush (But I wasn't great with it lol) and then threw on a bunch of different outfits. I found 2 skirts in the basement that belonged to my mom. I couldn't zip either of them up, but they stayed up lol. One of them had a slit on the legs, I didn't keep that one, but the other had the zipper in the back. I could cover it with my shirts, so I wore, and kept, that skirt :) I took some pics and post the 2 I liked the most :) I also went to my aunts with the intention of coming out to her and getting my hair cleaned up. She did cut my hair slightly in the back and sides, but I wasn't able to come out to her. So When I got home, I messaged my cousin saying she could tell her. She hasn't yet though. 

On Tuesday, not much happened. I started watching Game of Thrones. Got through the 1st season that day, and also went out to see The Wolverine. That was a good movie :) That's really about it for Tuesday lol.

On Wednesday, boy what a day that was! I started watching season 2 of Game of Thrones that morning. Went out for a bike ride. Then came home and got ready for therapy at 3:30. I went dressed up! I had makeup on from my head to my chest, tried some pink blush under my eyes, but that got messy lol. I wore my fave women's shirt, a tank top from my mom, and one of her bras. Felt totally liberated going out like that. I'll get to therapy again in a moment. But she challenged me to go to Kohls and grab some men's and women's clothes and try them on. After therapy I went to Target and got some things, including hair removal cream and nail polish remover! After that I went to Barnes and Noble. Didn't get anything. By this time it was pouring down rain, so I decided to go home. When I came home there was a guy filming something. I don't know what, but eventually him and a reporter came to my door and asked me some questions about these water bottle bombs that had been around my neighborhood. And I totally got on the news! That was so funny lol. Here's the link to my story :) http://www.myfoxchicago.com/story/23078181/valparaiso-police-warn-of-bottle-bombs-found-in-mailboxes

Okay, so on Thursday, finished watching season 2 of Game of Thrones. Had a cavity filled, which gave me a huge friggin cancor sore on my right side of my mouth, hurts like hell! Then I went out to dinner with my grandma, aunt, uncle, other aunt, and 2 cousins lol. That was a bit of fun. I learned I used to keep a knife under my bed when I was 2 lol, Had no idea I did that. 

And on Friday, I had a busy day. Woke up and went bike riding. Got home with that Showered and then went out to the movies to see Elysium. Not that a great a movie. Felt rushed, action scenes you could hardly tell what was going on, and it drove me nuts how they got Matt Damon's shirt back on after screwing the machine into his back! But then after that, I had to drive all over town to get home because a stupid train had stalled on the tracks. Got home, made a quick grocery list, and picked up some food to make mac & cheese, and cheesecake for this family get-together we had yesterday. Then my family got home, and it's been blah ever since lol. So yeah that was my week of freedom :) 

Now onto Therapy, you know what? I've already made this too long. I'll make that into a new post lol :)