Okay been away for a while here. But basically because I had nothing new to report. But now I do! :)
So where I last left off I had contacted a doctors office over in California. If everything goes according to plan in the coming years, that's where I'll be going for the actual surgery. But anyways, I got an email back from one of the doctor's assistants. She gave me a link to a site of therapists in Indiana and suggested I ask them for physicians and such. So I went through the list and found one doctor right here in Valparaiso. Well no email address was listed, just a phone number and an address but I don't know where that is, suppose I could look it up. But anyways, I looked up the doctor on Facebook and sent her a message there. You may be asking "how do I know if it's the right person?" Well I typed in her name in the search on facebook and there's was only one of her, and she was a psychiatrist. Everything looked in order. So I sent her the message, though not sure she'll ever get it. And what was odd was it said she now lives in Chicago. So I think the site the doctor's assistant sent me was old or needs an update. I don't know if I'll hear from her anytime soon. So I went to another therapist.
This therapist works in Indianapolis, a city I love. But what was more important is she has her own website and an email address. So I emailed her yesterday and got a response from her a couple hours later. She told me she actually works with a doctor that prescribes hormone treatments, and she is an actual gender therapist. The therapist I'm seeing now, not sure if she's totally a gender therapist, but she has experience in it so that's good enough for me! Back to the story here, she asked you know if I wanted to see her instead because she's an actual gender therapist and wished me well. So I emailed her back saying thanks, and that I would love to have her as a therapist. Especially since she works alongside a doctor that does hormone therapy. But thing is, the doctor in Cali. actually requires 2 letters of recommendation before the surgery can actually take place. So it works because I can see the therapist I'm seeing now, and the one in Indy. What's even cooler is she does Skype sessions. Though I hate the sound of my voice and talking through a cam. But I think that would be super so I don't have to go to Indy every time. But I emailed her back saying, as much as I'd love to have her as a therapist, I can't afford it right now. But hopefully some day in the future I can.
Lastly, the doctor's assistant I spoke to in Cali. actually told me that before any surgery can happen, I have to be on hormones for at least a year, and live as a female for a year. Which really works perfectly for me. Again, assuming everything goes without a hitch. But some people told me it takes about 6 months before you can really get started on hormones. So if that's the case, that would put me around September for starting hormones. And then I can graduate college next May, and start living as a female for another year. So by the time I'll be officially ready to become a female I'll be 24 years old. I really like the sound of that. And at worst, I'll be 25. So yeah, I'm really looking forward to this now!! My next therapy appt. is April 9th, and I'm excited I will have actual information I can relay to her. Now I just have to get through school :)
One last thing here I discovered that irked me. Did you know that if you want to send a message to someone on Facebook who you aren't friends with, you have to pay them a dollar? What kind of a scam is that! Otherwise you can send it to their 'Other' folder which is probably like junk mail. But then again, what isn't junk mail these days lol. Anyways, thanks so much everybody. Hopefully I'll have more to report next week! And have a Happy Easter!!
Uck, it seems the more I try and get further along in this transformation process, the more problems I am encountering. And a couple of them aren't even related to transition.
First of all an update. Last time I told you about what my therapist suggested for me, and that left me at a dead end. So I started researching again and found some people at the medical center nearest me who do hormone replacement therapy. However, I really despise talking on the phone, so I couldn't gather the nerve to call them. But I was able to find a Women's care doctor that works there, she is the OBGYN I mentioned in the last post. But this Women's care luckily enough has an email address. So I emailed them last Friday. Got nothing back. So I emailed again on Thursday sometime before noon. Got a call later that afternoon and talked with a lovely woman there who worked for the doctor there that does HRT. She told me she would ask this doctor tomorrow (since she wasn't there) and help give me some recommendations. She called me back yesterday and gave me a few names and places to go to. I went to the first name she gave and found that this doctor is well know for her gender reassignment surgeries. After browsing around on her webpage, I left an email. Hopefully I get something back on Monday. But since I left it fairly late in the day, I may have to email again. But oh well.
The problem I am having with this is, while this doctor is known for her SRS practices, she operates out of San Mateo, California. Ugh. So not only with the just the SRS surgery alone cost me around $18,000 ( a guess from most numbers I've seen), but I'll also have to pay probably a couple thousand for airfare and a hotel room. And that's just for the SRS! Eventually, there will have to be more surgeries before and after SRS. So I'm kind of look at like 30-40 thousand dollars worth of this. Not to mention I have a buttload of student loans I'll still have to pay off. Really regretting going to college now. Never wanted to go in the first place but was forced.
I haven't a clue what to do. What's even harder is, I can't find a job. If I could I'd at least start saving up. Some of you reading this might think I'm asking for money, I'm not. I hate taking money from other people. That includes family. Part of me just wants to say, "Forget it. You can't ever afford this. Just live as a male for the rest of your life." But the other part of me is saying "Do you really want to live as an unhappy miserable male for the rest of your life, or do you want to be happy as a female?" And that's what I want. I want to be happy. Taking a line from Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty- I don't want to be lonely no more.
The best thing that would come out of having to go to San Mateo for the surgery is that it would take me to California. I've always wanted to go and see it. Maybe I'd just buy a one-way ticket, and return whenever I felt. But still. The costs of all this is ridiculous.
Going back to another problem I've ran into, is friends. The friend I had who encouraged me and helped me to make this decision, will no longer speak to me. We used to email each other every day. But over Spring Break last week, I was miserable. And last weekend, I messaged her telling her I wasn't going to message her on a particular site anymore and just send emails. That's pretty much exactly what I said. So next day I get an email from her asking if I was okay. I emailed her back explaining everything and how I was just upset. But I haven't heard back from her. I left her 3 messages on the site I told her I was going to stop messaging her on. She opened them, but never responded. I don't know what I did. But I believe she hates me now. I wrote her an email the other day saying it was okay and that I'd understand if she never wanted to talk with me again, and immediately after I began tearing up. I can't and don't want to imagine a world where I can't talk with her anymore. She's my best friend. And even though we've only spoken to each other online, she means the world to me. And if I had never met her in the first place, honestly, I probably wouldn't be alive to write this. I was miserable before I met her, and she lightened me up. I've tried asking her if there were other ways we could talk. She mentioned once she was on Pogo.com, I gave her my account name there and asked if I could invite her. Never got a response. There's only one other person who cares enough to talk with me on that site, and I appreciate him for conversing with me :)
Why is it so hard for a person like me to meet friends? Particularly girl friends. All I want in the world is a friend to hang out with and explore with. I feel so awkward with guys. All we talk about is sports, which I don't mind, but I can't talk about basketball I don't know enough about it. I'm not huge into video games anymore. I just don't do a whole lot of guy things anymore. But I feel repulsed by women. Like they want nothing to do with me. Even though I can speak far more comfortably with women then I can with men. Ugh, sometimes I just feel like I wasn't right for this world. Wish I could start over.
I want to thank all of you for getting this blog to over 100 views. I would really appreciate more comments. Lastly, I started a Google+ account here. I think you can pretty much just get to it from here. Feel free to add me if you want. Thank you all so much :) This may be my last blog post for a few weeks.
Alright so for the past week I have been researching doctors to get this whole process started as recommended by my therapist. I think she left something out in the details. First of all, she tells me to do research and meet with a doctor to get started. Okay, So I have been researching doctors. My searches took me from all around Chicago, to right in my own neighborhood. Yes, I was lucky enough to find that the medical center I am currently a patient to, does hormone replacement therapy. One of the doctors that does it is actually my current doctor, but I really wouldn't feel too comfortable with him. There is another female doctor who does the estrogen and hormone replacement, but she is an OBGYN which I don't think is exactly what I'm looking for.
Anyways, I can't get up the nerve to actually call the place and ask. I absolutely dread talking on the phone. I can never think of what to say. It's driving me crazy! But they don't leave email addresses so I can't email them which, to me, is 100x simpler and easier. Because then I could remain in contact without having to call all the time and getting a busy signal.
My therapist, a couple days ago, referred me to the Center on Halstead in Chicago. So I contacted them and next day they referred me to the Howard Brown Healthcare Center. Now, I wasn't getting any responses back from them. So I emailed my therapist again, telling her that the medical center I attend does do hormone replacement, but I didn't know what to say. I probably won't hear from her for a couple days. But almost immediately after I emailed her again, I got an email from someone at Howard Brown. They said they didn't know of any places nearby, so I asked them about the medical center I go to. They said they called them and got a busy signal. It was worth a shot. But drat the luck.
This entire process is just emotionally exhausting. I swear I'm missing something. I went to a site that said usually the therapist will recommend the visits to a doctor. So I'm hoping maybe I can just tell her that they do hormone replacement at the medical center I go to and she can get information and help me out. I just absolutely hate the phone. It's probably more my voice. Ugh I can't stand this! I really wish I could meet with my therapist and she'd help arrange appointments for me. But I don't see her again until April 9th.
Is there anything that I can do? Because I am going nuts with this!
Okay like I said yesterday, I'm a big sports fan and wanted to create a new blog to talk about anything sports. So today I have created a new blog called Sports Fiasco. It's not quite refined yet, but I'll get to that eventually. So, if you'd like to talk about anything sports, that blog will be there. I'll provide the link down below. I think it'll be a good way for you to learn more about me, but also for me to learn a bit more about my followers. So anyways, enjoy!
http://sportsfiasco.blogspot.com/
Ok so like I said this is my update to how my therapy went last night. Well first of all it went really well. It helped me a lot and made me think in a different light. We talked mainly about my depression, which I guess isn't as big a problem for me as it used to be. But it was still great to have it addressed. I'd say about 15-20 minutes in, and I can't for the life of me remember how it came up guess it was just what else is bothering me or something, I was able to tell her that I wanted to start hormones and become a female. It was honestly difficult to say, but it felt a lot better when I was able to get it out.
She was very great and understanding. She was honored that I was able to come out to her and tell her that. And I am honored that she is willing to help me through this. I was also glad that she was quite younger than her profile made her out to be. I feel she is someone I could make friends with easily and she can really help me in changing.
Well like I said, we didn't touch too much on the gender change. It was mainly focused on depression and family and friends. She gave me some challenges that I should do to turn around the feelings I have about all that, and I am going to try and do them as best I can. Along with the breathing exercise she taught me and wants me to do 3 times a day. When she taught me the exercise, I felt incredibly relaxed and calmer. And it also made my mind feel a lot lighter. You know that feeling when something is weighing heavy on your mind and your finally able to get it out? That's how I felt. Just made me feel a whole lot better.
Ok so back to the gender change. My next step in this now is to research around and find a doctor who I can talk with about it. Once I do a couple meetings with them and get the greenlight to start hormones, I'll need a letter of approval from my therapist to go ahead and start the hormones. I don't really want to start them right away, the crucial part of my school semester is coming up, but my hope is that maybe by mid-June I will be able to start. Maybe July. The last couple weeks leading up to the session, I wasn't quite sure if becoming a woman is exactly what I wanted to do, but now I'm 100% sure. I guess it was just getting it off my chest and actually telling somebody that I wanted it.
I'm fairly certain I'm forgetting something here, but this post is getting a little long. So I'll just stop there. Last thing I want to say is, I really love sports, especially football. So if blogger will allow me, I may create a sports blog at some point. I'll be sure to leave a new post and a link when I get that up and running. Thank you all so much for taking the time to read this! Comments are greatly appreciated!
Ok, so I have my appointment with my therapist this coming Thursday. I'm getting kind of nervous about it. And yesterday I wondered if I am making the right choice. I really need to talk with the greatest friend I've ever had, but she is really busy these days, and hasn't been emailing me back. And every time I send a message or email, and never get anything back, I always journey to worst place, "Do they still even want to talk to me?" I just feel like the biggest loser on the planet when I never get a response back. And this is a time I really need her help.
Back to the point at hand, for those that haven't read the post below, I am deeply considering sexual reassignment. But I was talking with someone and they asked me who I was sexually attracted to. I couldn't say. I'm not really sexually attracted to men, and while I admire women, I can't say I'm completely sexually attracted to them either. Am I just meant to be alone? Or has my loneliness for the past 7 years, just pushed me too deep in a hole?
The whole reason I want to do this reassignment is to be able to be me. I'm stuck mostly all day in my bedroom. I don't have a car, no job, no friends, no social life. I feel completely changing myself, is like hitting the restart button. And I'll be able to go out and have fun. But what if nothing changes? I can't even fathom that. It could just be the end of the line for me if that happens. Maybe my therapist will have answers, but I also can't afford to be going to her too many times. I have $83, and it costs $40 just to see her. I quite literally feel like my best days are long behind me. It's all just downhill from here. And I have nobody to talk to.
So I'm going to ask, and seeing how my blog isn't anything great, I'm not gonna expect many, if any, responses. But if anyone knows of any sites where you can just talk to people and make friends, that would be greatly appreciated. Please no dating sites. I hate being on dating sites looking for women who want actual relationships. I don't want to make them believe I am there for a relationship, just friendship. But when you're on a dating site looking for 'friendship' women take that as thinking "He wants sex." Couldn't be further from the truth with me. But where do you go to meet new people, when you literally have nowhere to go?
Anyway thanks for reading. Next update will be Friday after my therapy meeting.
