Hey everyone! No I haven't forgotten about you. Just, I've literally had nothing new to share here. I've been trying to do some new things, but things haven't panned out. For the last 2 weeks I've been trying to get together with my cousin to learn about makeup and do the dress rehearsal my therapist suggested, but everytime I ask her, she ignores the question. Like it's okay if you can't do something, but tell me you can't do it. Don't ignore the question! So anyways, that's been a little frustrating. On Wednesday the 24th, I went over to my cousin's (My other cousin's brother) and tried to tell him and their mom. But when I got there, my female cousins daughter was there with my aunt, so that threw me off guard and I couldn't say anything. Then when my cousin got there, we went out to the pool to just talk pretty much, and the topic never really came up. But then again, that's an odd subject to come up in the first place lol. But when we ran out of things to say and I felt more confident to say it, his girlfriend and her friend show up and I was just totally screwed at that point. Even though his girlfriend has a female-to-male transgender friend. Heck, maybe I'd even feel better telling his girlfriend first. But anyways, I am going to try and meet up with him again sometime and hopefully tell him then. So let's see. What else can I talk about here? For the most part, since my last post I've just been trying to keep busy. I'm not interested in tv anymore. More so into music. Been keeping up with school, however this next week is the final week. Actually could finish that up today if I really wanted to. And I've pretty much just been talking with friends and whatnot.
So let's see. Last time I talked about the issue I was having with my friend. Well she's transgender too male-to-female. I don't want to get too much into it. But basically, I told her I loved her, and did not get the same feeling back. She is the kind of person I could spend the rest of my life with, but to her, I'm more of just a good friend. Which is good because we are still friends and we still talk to each other just about everyday (As long as she doesn't lose her Ipod lol). So yeah that's pretty much been that. Reason I didn't blog about it is because I didn't want to bring any negative attention to her. And now, it's been awhile so I can't even recall many of the details. I just know I cried that night and I felt so heartbroken. But things are better now. Lastly here, I got bored one day and created an amazon wishlist. However, since I don't get hardly anyone on here to comment on my posts, I'm not going to share the list on here until I get someone to comment lol. But there is a lot of cute things there, and I have tried to keep everything fairly affordable. Then again, I'm not here to beg people to buy me things. Personally, I feel terrible when people buy me things. I know they are just doing it out of the goodness of their heart, but it makes me feel worthless. So if I do end up sharing the list, it is primarily only to view.
So I guess that's it for today folks lol. Some things might happen this upcoming week, or they might not. I haven't a clue. But my next therapy is Monday the 5th, so look for a therapy blog to be up sometime around then :) And now, I leave you all with this! Love you all!
So I had my last therapy appointment on Monday. It went well, but left me a bit worried by the end. So, to start, I told her that because of what we discussed last session, I felt like there was a big weight on my shoulders from keeping this secret and that I did come out to my eldest cousin. She was happy that I finally came out to somebody and that there is now somebody I can turn to when I need help. There is a bar I visited on July 3rd (by the way I went bar hopping with my cousin for the 1st that day had a lot of fun!) called Martini's that will usually host a Drag Show. Well we missed the last one, but the next one is August 31st so might go to that. This gave her the idea to have me sort of do a dress rehearsal type thing. You know, put on make-up get dressed up and possibly go out to dinner or something just to try and get a feel for things. Well I'm not sure about going out, or even dressing since I don't have much of an option in the clothes department. But I have talked to my cousin about teaching me how to apply different sets of make-up and she agreed, but we haven't worked on it yet. She's also going to help me come out to her mom and her brother, who I believe is the next step for me to come out to before my mom. So let's see, can't recall too much else actually. But the last thing we did was she had me sort of visualize what it is about me that makes me a male, and then she had me clothes my eyes and envision what I'd look like as a female. Now the male part, that was more well the facial hair I hate, the body hair I hate, I didn't say it only because I was slightly embarrassed too, but my genitals I hate. Seriously, a penis gets in the way of everything! But there was also my adam's apple and voice that make me too much of a male. But facial and body hair was the biggie for me. I seriously hate having all this hair and having to shave over and over again! Such a drag! Anyways, once that was over, she had me close my eyes, take some deep breaths, and see what I might look like as a female. Now thinking back on it, I wondered why some of these things popped up, but we'll get to that in a second. Anyway, I envisioned myself with long reddish-brown hair. Make-up, shoulders slimmed, waist slimmed, wider hips, smoother body, slimmer and smoother legs. Bit of a butt lol. (Didn't really want to, but she brought up the vagina lol), I didn't bring up nails, but my nails done. Slightly larger bust, but nothing huge. Just whatever happens from hormones :) Wearing a red dress that clings to my body. Nothing low cut, down to the knees, sort of just like a casual dress. (I'll look around and see if I can find something :) ) Wearing black heels, probably 3in since I'm already fairly tall. And a purse. So that's really what I saw. Now here's where I questioned my thoughts. First the hair. While I do love the idea, reddish-brown? Where did that come from?! Maybe not too red, but like a mahogany color could be nice. Also the dress. Blue is my favorite color and I wear it all the time! So where did red come from? Who knows, I'm not one to question to deeply my imagination. Lol. But, she brought up maybe I could try and do something and maybe photoshop a pic of how I'd look. Now, I can't photoshop, but if someone out there would be kind enough to maybe try and photoshop something for me, that'd be simply fantastic and I'd be willing to cooperate! :) Now last thing here, she kinda asked like what I could do more. And it was ringing in me like "Well I can't do much more because I'm not on hormones yet" and so I just kind of told her like "well, I kinda just would like to start hormones and then finish school" But it seriously came off to me like she doesn't know I need a letter of recommendation from her to actually start hormones. But I know she knows I need one, because she brought it up the very first time we met. So I just gotta keep reminding her, and hopefully I'll get it within the next 2 months. Now she's either 7 or 8 months pregnant I believe, so I really hope to get the letter before she goes off on leave. But at least when she does go on leave (If she does) I'll get to save up some money. So really that's about it. What happened this past week to me, I debated whether or not I'd blog about it. I don't want to put any negative focus on the person of which this ordeal happened with. But we pretty much resolved everything and we are still very good friends. So I'll still debate it, but I might right a short little spiel about it next time. Thanks everybody! Love ya'll! Til next time! :)
Hey everyone. So yes I did have therapy yesterday, but something even bigger happened last week and truth be told I just don't feel like writing right now. I may or may not talk about that, but at some point I will talk about therapy. Thanks for understanding everyone. Talk with you all later :)
