Problems

Uck, it seems the more I try and get further along in this transformation process, the more problems I am encountering. And a couple of them aren't even related to transition. 

First of all an update. Last time I told you about what my therapist suggested for me, and that left me at a dead end. So I started researching again and found some people at the medical center nearest me who do hormone replacement therapy. However, I really despise talking on the phone, so I couldn't gather the nerve to call them. But I was able to find a Women's care doctor that works there, she is the OBGYN I mentioned in the last post. But this Women's care luckily enough has an email address. So I emailed them last Friday. Got nothing back. So I emailed again on Thursday sometime before noon. Got a call later that afternoon and talked with a lovely woman there who worked for the doctor there that does HRT. She told me she would ask this doctor tomorrow (since she wasn't there) and help give me some recommendations. She called me back yesterday and gave me a few names and places to go to. I went to the first name she gave and found that this doctor is well know for her gender reassignment surgeries. After browsing around on her webpage, I left an email. Hopefully I get something back on Monday. But since I left it fairly late in the day, I may have to email again. But oh well. 

The problem I am having with this is, while this doctor is known for her SRS practices, she operates out of San Mateo, California. Ugh. So not only with the just the SRS surgery alone cost me around $18,000 ( a guess from most numbers I've seen), but I'll also have to pay probably a couple thousand for airfare and a hotel room. And that's just for the SRS! Eventually, there will have to be more surgeries before and after SRS. So I'm kind of look at like 30-40 thousand dollars worth of this. Not to mention I have a buttload of student loans I'll still have to pay off. Really regretting going to college now. Never wanted to go in the first place but was forced. 

I haven't a clue what to do. What's even harder is, I can't find a job. If I could I'd at least start saving up. Some of you reading this might think I'm asking for money, I'm not. I hate taking money from other people. That includes family. Part of me just wants to say, "Forget it. You can't ever afford this. Just live as a male for the rest of your life." But the other part of me is saying "Do you really want to live as an unhappy miserable male for the rest of your life, or do you want to be happy as a female?" And that's what I want. I want to be happy. Taking a line from Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty- I don't want to be lonely no more. 

The best thing that would come out of having to go to San Mateo for the surgery is that it would take me to California. I've always wanted to go and see it. Maybe I'd just buy a one-way ticket, and return whenever I felt. But still. The costs of all this is ridiculous. 

Going back to another problem I've ran into, is friends. The friend I had who encouraged me and helped me to make this decision, will no longer speak to me. We used to email each other every day. But over Spring Break last week, I was miserable. And last weekend, I messaged her telling her I wasn't going to message her on a particular site anymore and just send emails. That's pretty much exactly what I said. So next day I get an email from her asking if I was okay. I emailed her back explaining everything and how I was just upset. But I haven't heard back from her. I left her 3 messages on the site I told her I was going to stop messaging her on. She opened them, but never responded. I don't know what I did. But I believe she hates me now. I wrote her an email the other day saying it was okay and that I'd understand if she never wanted to talk with me again, and immediately after I began tearing up. I can't and don't want to imagine a world where I can't talk with her anymore. She's my best friend. And even though we've only spoken to each other online, she means the world to me. And if I had never met her in the first place, honestly, I probably wouldn't be alive to write this. I was miserable before I met her, and she lightened me up. I've tried asking her if there were other ways we could talk. She mentioned once she was on Pogo.com, I gave her my account name there and asked if I could invite her. Never got a response. There's only one other person who cares enough to talk with me on that site, and I appreciate him for conversing with me :) 

Why is it so hard for a person like me to meet friends? Particularly girl friends. All I want in the world is a friend to hang out with and explore with. I feel so awkward with guys. All we talk about is sports, which I don't mind, but I can't talk about basketball I don't know enough about it. I'm not huge into video games anymore. I just don't do a whole lot of guy things anymore. But I feel repulsed by women. Like they want nothing to do with me. Even though I can speak far more comfortably with women then I can with men. Ugh, sometimes I just feel like I wasn't right for this world. Wish I could start over. 

I want to thank all of you for getting this blog to over 100 views. I would really appreciate more comments. Lastly, I started a Google+ account here. I think you can pretty much just get to it from here. Feel free to add me if you want. Thank you all so much :) This may be my last blog post for a few weeks.